= THE VENT!---GET IT OUT =...

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by lyfenlyn on August 17, 2010 at 1:42am

...aahhhh so thats why you aint around that much anymores....LOL

Fashionfreak said:

Exactly! @djceiba . I used to have make excuses but I realized it was all in my head. I just play up my features, go out, have fun, and guess what now I have a boyfriend. Not saying society doesn't put pressure on us but at the end of the day you have to have confidence. Everyone feeds off positive energy. Now I have all colors of the rainbow sweating me INCLUDING the same guys on the corner who used to clown me ha suckers.Rather than focusing on the things you claim are less desirable think about the things you DO like about yourself. Trust me you will see a big difference! Excuses are pointless and a waste of time.

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Permalink Reply by lyfenlyn on August 17, 2010 at 1:43am

Well let me just hop in the Delorean and set if for Philly! LOL

Daoud said:

Wow it's gettin' hot in herre...

Since we've gone all LDSR in this piece, I'll throw mine in. I believe folks today should use the tools that are in front of them, namely the net. If you can't find someone you dig in your walking circles, search for one within a cipher you're willing to travel (25-50-100 miles?...). Because if you don't see 'em, you'll believe they ain't out there.

I love Philly and the women here. As a youth many girls here scarred my self-esteem. I did not give Black women up, because I still loved them so much. But at times I had problems with some in the circle I was in so I visited other spots. Then AfroPunk came around. I had the pleasure of meeting and hanging with women who shared similar interests as myself but I consciously made an effort to get with them wherever they were. I didn't whine that they weren't nearby, I hopped up on the plane-train-automobile to se 'em and I wasn't the only one (y'all know who you are ;>). No excuses.

It goes back to three rules of business: location-location-location. If your store sells something great Newark and someone in Gary wants it, you have to bring to them or they have to come to you. Can't just sit wondering why folks don't want what you've got if they can't se it. As Fashion & DJ C said, take a chance and leave your comfort zone, get out there and just have fun and others will want to have fun with you.

...and add to the PETA vent, as a vegan I still agree with y'all and PETA can go suck a brautwurst sausage.

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Permalink Reply by Madamoiselle De Sade on August 17, 2010 at 2:21am

I agree with you, DJ Ceiba.

But you can't really call it an "excuse" or dismiss it when it's reality for a lot of us. People who have the luxury of living in New York or the luxury of having good influences shouldn't use a big, wide paint brush and tell others they shouldn't feel the way they feel because they don't live in the other persons' moment. It's amazing that any of us are comfortable with ourselves with the world we live in.

Like Ro said, people tend to not want to comfort the sad and eventually give up and/or dismiss their claims because they're tired of dealing with them. The reality of it, like CA said, is that we live in a white man's world. Not to say that we should feel like the least desirable but the feeling does come from somewhere and it is a valid feeling. That whole "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" thinking is not going to work here.
No person is an island, we share the influences of the world we live in. Take responsibility for that too. If you don't, you can't comfort the sad or show them another way.

dj ceiba said:

i guess so, MDS, but what FF said was: "i no longer want to hear ANYONE complain that black women are the least desirable that's why they 'can't get a man'." & she was on point. the person that said that (whoever she is) isn't taking responsibility for being comfortable with who she is.
i hear your points about the weight of society: being beaten down - socially & emotionally, raically & culturally, ostrasized from the group, we can go on & on. all perople of color have to do this - especially if their involved in a counter culture. & there's an effect on the psyche, yes. there still comes a time that you have to throw all that off & live life to the fullest!! stop making excuses. think about the proto punks did they worry about such & such doesn't like me? hell naw. it was anarchy! DESTROY! we can take a lesson from this. likewise, if you don't got the right dude yet, then carry on fabulously without one, caring nothing for what others say until the right one does. we all have a piece of the infinite within us!! how can you let a bunch of people who you don't even know steal your inner shine. FUCK THAT! live up!

Madamoiselle De Sade said:

So, for the girls who don't have the luxury of living in a cool place where people aren't as bad about things like that, I say move or learn how to tease out non-black men who are interested but are timid; keep yourself open and refrain from attempting to blend in. Blending in is your worst enemy. And throw "type" out the window, you have to open your world. It's all about finding out where and how to fit in. Don't dwell on the morons, keep moving and if you can; find out what makes people tick and what you have that can be used as a "hook". For me, it's my size, my shape and the fact that nobody believes I'm from here. <--- that might be sociopathic but what's wrong with knowing what people want? I used to to think that these things were negatives but any perceived negative is uniqueness that can be worked in your favor. I wish more "ethnic" girls would play up and use their ethnicity instead of blending in with the standardized masses.

I said the same things about leaving the comfort zone, playing up your uniqueness, learning people (not race constructs) and forgetting race preferences and I get no credit for it.

Anywho. ..
This is why I don't NEED a black man. I have no "preference" for black men. One thing I notice with these discussions is sometimes there exists a need to make a black man love you. I wonder why it is that some black women still feel they cannot find happiness unless it's with a black man. Is it because they feel they really need to prove it to black men and themselves that black men can love them? And that if they're not with a black man it's not "real"?

I don't NEED a man, period. I don't even need a woman. I'm not going to have doubts about men just because they aren't black: that's self sabotage and I've done it before but never again. No more "allegiance" because that stuff is not reality. I have nothing to prove to black men and they have nothing to prove to me.

And no, I was not "created for" a black man and he was not "created for" me.

This may be construed as intra-racism somehow, somewhere by someone but whoever gets it, gets it. And they don't have to be black or male. Or female.

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Permalink Reply by X-D-D-M*9 on August 17, 2010 at 2:34am

Ms. McFly, your future awaits! ;P

lyfenlyn said:

Well let me just hop in the Delorean and set if for Philly! LOL

Daoud said:

Wow it's gettin' hot in herre...

Since we've gone all LDSR in this piece, I'll throw mine in. I believe folks today should use the tools that are in front of them, namely the net. If you can't find someone you dig in your walking circles, search for one within a cipher you're willing to travel (25-50-100 miles?...). Because if you don't see 'em, you'll believe they ain't out there.

I love Philly and the women here. As a youth many girls here scarred my self-esteem. I did not give Black women up, because I still loved them so much. But at times I had problems with some in the circle I was in so I visited other spots. Then AfroPunk came around. I had the pleasure of meeting and hanging with women who shared similar interests as myself but I consciously made an effort to get with them wherever they were. I didn't whine that they weren't nearby, I hopped up on the plane-train-automobile to se 'em and I wasn't the only one (y'all know who you are ;>). No excuses.

It goes back to three rules of business: location-location-location. If your store sells something great Newark and someone in Gary wants it, you have to bring to them or they have to come to you. Can't just sit wondering why folks don't want what you've got if they can't se it. As Fashion & DJ C said, take a chance and leave your comfort zone, get out there and just have fun and others will want to have fun with you.

...and add to the PETA vent, as a vegan I still agree with y'all and PETA can go suck a brautwurst sausage.

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Permalink Reply by dj ceiba on August 17, 2010 at 12:32pm

@ MDS: hold on, i haven't dismissed anybody's feelings. i've looked deeper into them. having gone through a similar set of processes (i don't really want to describe it here, but i'll sum it up as) - the ongoing battle of "dealing with yourSELF"; i don't approve of people feeling guilty for who they are. humans so much greater than that.

the reason i think this way is because the elders we had in our community encouraged us to love ourselves and each other. we got screamed on when we showed signs of self-hate & social fragmentation. that was in backwards-ass buffalo, ny. coming from the country part of western NY, i had to go WAAAAAAYYYYY out of my way to find them, gain their trust, make friends, be involved, etc - they were definitely NOT just in my area. they encouraged me to do the same thing in NYC on a larger level. nearly 15 years later, it was worth it. i put my ass in a place where i could learn (so did FF's "friend" - she's in nyc) & did. in a place like this, there's nothing preventing her from coming to the conclusions that she is GREAT and people of all hues should WANT her - except herself. "poor me" is running game on herself.

Ro, i haven't acknowledged you yet. it IS harder to be compassionate & not attack when you see folks going through weak moments. this "rant" is something that would usually happen internally for me. i usually wouldn't voice my opinion on female problems unless directly asked. i'm curious though, as a grown woman, do YOU worry about if men find you attractive on the basis of race? i'll bet you don't. i'll bet that if it ever came up, that was a LONG time ago; & though you empathize from experience, i'll bet you'd be pleased to see her in the safe mental/spiritual/social place where the balance & strength comes from - right?

in that spirit: i can't OK people feeling guilty for who they are especially if they're made to feel that way because of ignorant people or incomplete development. to me, the person hasn't finished growing her idea "i can't get a man because i'm black". half grown it'd be like: "these people need to recognize & if not - fuck 'em. there's other fish in the sea". full grown it would look like: "i'm content with myself" (like MDS said). uber level: "what need have i for this? what need have i for that? i'm dancing at the feet of my lord. all is bliss. all is bliss".

anyway, this topic is relevant in a lot of ways to me. i have a 4 month old little girl. she's mixed - puerto rican, white, cuban & cherokee (that's at least 3 types of african, 2 types of native & at least 3 types of european - for those that don't know). discussions like this are great to show me the different ways that fear and self doubt manifest in women so i can recognize it in my kid if it comes up. her mother and i, having completed a lot of this already, (i feel) are well prepared to give her everything she needs to get through the mental slavery of growing up in america. god willing, by then, she won't need them.

my experience leads me to believe that the universe eventually manifests the experience that you choose. if you choose to see the universe as a place that black women can't get a date, then that's the experience you'll have.

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Permalink Reply by lyfenlyn on August 17, 2010 at 10:16pm

Regardless. I am the black man's reflection whether he wants to look at me or not. I won't say another race isn't caipable of loving me because he isn't black. He most certianly is. But you can't overlook the little racial nuances that can make life stupid when you date another race. In MY OWN EXPERIENCE it can be a convienient out for some men, but it was an out they planned on using on the way in. However these days the same racial silliness can be reinacted with SOME black men. It's a 6 of one half a dozen of the other situation sometimes depending on what mindset you are dealing with. Does it hurt more deeply when a black man rejects you for being black, oh hell yeah. Do I avoid all black men because some are lost? Nope. Nobody NEEDS to be with anyone, but it's up to the individual to decide what they need or not. Good for you you want to go through life not fettered by petty entanglements or emotions. However some people are honest about their humanity and don't have time for pretending. The 'heart wants what it wants', and if I ache for a brotha, then that's the state of things. That doesn't make me some type of archaic freak because I do and admit to it.

Madamoiselle De Sade said:

I agree with you, DJ Ceiba.

But you can't really call it an "excuse" or dismiss it when it's reality for a lot of us. People who have the luxury of living in New York or the luxury of having good influences shouldn't use a big, wide paint brush and tell others they shouldn't feel the way they feel because they don't live in the other persons' moment. It's amazing that any of us are comfortable with ourselves with the world we live in.

Like Ro said, people tend to not want to comfort the sad and eventually give up and/or dismiss their claims because they're tired of dealing with them. The reality of it, like CA said, is that we live in a white man's world. Not to say that we should feel like the least desirable but the feeling does come from somewhere and it is a valid feeling. That whole "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" thinking is not going to work here.
No person is an island, we share the influences of the world we live in. Take responsibility for that too. If you don't, you can't comfort the sad or show them another way.

dj ceiba said:

i guess so, MDS, but what FF said was: "i no longer want to hear ANYONE complain that black women are the least desirable that's why they 'can't get a man'." & she was on point. the person that said that (whoever she is) isn't taking responsibility for being comfortable with who she is.
i hear your points about the weight of society: being beaten down - socially & emotionally, raically & culturally, ostrasized from the group, we can go on & on. all perople of color have to do this - especially if their involved in a counter culture. & there's an effect on the psyche, yes. there still comes a time that you have to throw all that off & live life to the fullest!! stop making excuses. think about the proto punks did they worry about such & such doesn't like me? hell naw. it was anarchy! DESTROY! we can take a lesson from this. likewise, if you don't got the right dude yet, then carry on fabulously without one, caring nothing for what others say until the right one does. we all have a piece of the infinite within us!! how can you let a bunch of people who you don't even know steal your inner shine. FUCK THAT! live up!

Madamoiselle De Sade said:

So, for the girls who don't have the luxury of living in a cool place where people aren't as bad about things like that, I say move or learn how to tease out non-black men who are interested but are timid; keep yourself open and refrain from attempting to blend in. Blending in is your worst enemy. And throw "type" out the window, you have to open your world. It's all about finding out where and how to fit in. Don't dwell on the morons, keep moving and if you can; find out what makes people tick and what you have that can be used as a "hook". For me, it's my size, my shape and the fact that nobody believes I'm from here. <--- that might be sociopathic but what's wrong with knowing what people want? I used to to think that these things were negatives but any perceived negative is uniqueness that can be worked in your favor. I wish more "ethnic" girls would play up and use their ethnicity instead of blending in with the standardized masses.

I said the same things about leaving the comfort zone, playing up your uniqueness, learning people (not race constructs) and forgetting race preferences and I get no credit for it.

Anywho. ..
This is why I don't NEED a black man. I have no "preference" for black men. One thing I notice with these discussions is sometimes there exists a need to make a black man love you. I wonder why it is that some black women still feel they cannot find happiness unless it's with a black man. Is it because they feel they really need to prove it to black men and themselves that black men can love them? And that if they're not with a black man it's not "real"?

I don't NEED a man, period. I don't even need a woman. I'm not going to have doubts about men just because they aren't black: that's self sabotage and I've done it before but never again. No more "allegiance" because that stuff is not reality. I have nothing to prove to black men and they have nothing to prove to me.

And no, I was not "created for" a black man and he was not "created for" me.

This may be construed as intra-racism somehow, somewhere by someone but whoever gets it, gets it. And they don't have to be black or male. Or female.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by lyfenlyn on August 17, 2010 at 10:19pm

:::Giggles:::

Daoud said:

Ms. McFly, your future awaits! ;P

lyfenlyn said:

Well let me just hop in the Delorean and set if for Philly! LOL

Daoud said:

Wow it's gettin' hot in herre...

Since we've gone all LDSR in this piece, I'll throw mine in. I believe folks today should use the tools that are in front of them, namely the net. If you can't find someone you dig in your walking circles, search for one within a cipher you're willing to travel (25-50-100 miles?...). Because if you don't see 'em, you'll believe they ain't out there.

I love Philly and the women here. As a youth many girls here scarred my self-esteem. I did not give Black women up, because I still loved them so much. But at times I had problems with some in the circle I was in so I visited other spots. Then AfroPunk came around. I had the pleasure of meeting and hanging with women who shared similar interests as myself but I consciously made an effort to get with them wherever they were. I didn't whine that they weren't nearby, I hopped up on the plane-train-automobile to se 'em and I wasn't the only one (y'all know who you are ;>). No excuses.

It goes back to three rules of business: location-location-location. If your store sells something great Newark and someone in Gary wants it, you have to bring to them or they have to come to you. Can't just sit wondering why folks don't want what you've got if they can't se it. As Fashion & DJ C said, take a chance and leave your comfort zone, get out there and just have fun and others will want to have fun with you.

...and add to the PETA vent, as a vegan I still agree with y'all and PETA can go suck a brautwurst sausage.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Madamoiselle De Sade on August 18, 2010 at 3:22am

dj ceiba said:

@ MDS: hold on, i haven't dismissed anybody's feelings. i've looked deeper into them. having gone through a similar set of processes (i don't really want to describe it here, but i'll sum it up as) - the ongoing battle of "dealing with yourSELF"; i don't approve of people feeling guilty for who they are. humans so much greater than that.

Just the over use of the word "excuse" bothers me, it doesn't seem to take into account individual differences in situations, it's just more blame language. Not everyone has the luxury of having the right mindset or a clear head. "You're just making excuses" is not the right thing to say, it rarely is. It's negative: if a person was crying you wouldn't say that to comfort them and try and improve their internal situation. Sometimes you have to be considerate and be able to echo their concerns and then offer a solution.

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Permalink Reply by Madamoiselle De Sade on August 18, 2010 at 5:44am

Oh goddammit, I can't be succinct to save my life.

lyfenlyn said:

Regardless. I am the black man's reflection whether he wants to look at me or not. I won't say another race isn't caipable of loving me because he isn't black. He most certianly is. But you can't overlook the little racial nuances that can make life stupid when you date another race. In MY OWN EXPERIENCE it can be a convienient out for some men, but it was an out they planned on using on the way in. However these days the same racial silliness can be reinacted with SOME black men. It's a 6 of one half a dozen of the other situation sometimes depending on what mindset you are dealing with. Does it hurt more deeply when a black man rejects you for being black, oh hell yeah. Do I avoid all black men because some are lost? Nope. Nobody NEEDS to be with anyone, but it's up to the individual to decide what they need or not. Good for you you want to go through life not fettered by petty entanglements or emotions. However some people are honest about their humanity and don't have time for pretending. The 'heart wants what it wants', and if I ache for a brotha, then that's the state of things. That doesn't make me some type of archaic freak because I do and admit to it.

A little bit, must be generational because the cultural divide has never been great with me and any other person I've been with but I've never focused exclusively on "black culture" and "black things" so I can relate to a variety of people. I'd also like to think I can spot the clueless clueless guys before I give them any time. Just because some non-black men can't see you as a person doesn't mean they all can't. The interracial bullshit, ultimately is not any more than the bullshit we already get from black men. With black men it hurts more but I'm not sure I'm okay with letting it be that way.

The bolded part isn't a personal attack at all. I'm 22, not in my 30s 40s. I'm not looking for a committed relationship. Why should I, last time I checked my watch it was "party time", not "sit at home with one guy" time and if I have to sit at home, I want possibilities. Just because I don't want a relationship does NOT mean I'm devoid of emotions or inhumane or other kind of bashing of the very idea you want to do, why is that so hard to understand?

I don't know why you think non committed fucking = picking up johns off the street and having unprotected sex and then getting an abortion. That may be the case for the majority, but not for me. We're not all sociopaths and some of us have hearts; it's not as if we're all men. Attitudes like that are the whole reason it's difficult. Maybe I haven't found a person I click enough with and would rather be a Heartless Bitch than waste time settling for less.

And yeah, maybe I don't have time for emotional entanglement. Maybe it's just not that important to me, maybe I see it as an unproductive waste of time that's not going to help me better myself or become the things I want to become. Maybe I see it as untimely and this time in my life inappropriate for it. I know I've watched kids my age waste the best years of their young adulthood angsting/stewing over silly shit for no reason other than to role play what they feel gives their lives meaning. I'm not going to put anyone through pointless emotional bullshit, I'm going to work on myself. I wish more people would do THAT instead of rushing off to find their reflection before they even know what they look like.
Sometimes I regret turning down those what to get serious but I know I made the right decision for myself and probably for them as well. I like to play the field, I'm not going to pretend to be monogamous just to "have a heart" because that's more of a lead on than any booty call.
In a weird, aimless way I'm driven by myself. If that makes me self centered so be it, I'd rather finally enter a relationship at 100% and secure.

You do have to deal with things interracially (having to use the backdoor, being a side thing, a novelty, etc but a lot of men see women as collectible toys regardless of race) but I wonder, if sometimes the political concept of race makes these things seem so much worse than are.

When the time is right, I won't be looking for my reflection, I'll be looking for a good combination. Potential.

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Permalink Reply by Rand0mgirl on August 18, 2010 at 7:49am

True. A black and a white person can do the same thing. They can both act savagely, but the black person will be less respected for the same actions.

Nadia C said:

They way...If a black person indulges, in sex or (recreational) drugs or whatever else, we're considered animals. But a white person or nonblack can do it, and be a stoner or a pothead, and it's not a derragatory term. It's actually used endearingly. But we're considered barbarians for doing it.
Oh yeah, and sex. If a black person has taboo sex, chains, whips, spanking, etc etc, to the average person, black or white or any shade in between, we're, in a derragatory way, nymphomaniacs, whores and whatnot. Yet, when nonblack people do it, it's just normal. It's sexy.

(I read that GG Allin thread. That put a bubble in my noggin)

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Rand0mgirl on August 18, 2010 at 7:52am

True. Self love is a must for black women everywhere.
We all need to be ourselves (with our interests, music, whatever) regardless of what other people think. Some people will be attracted and some will not.

CaliforniaAfrican said:

The ideology of White supremacy and all the repercussions from it exists in the minds of most of us: Black men, Black women, and this country!!! Recognize that. This is a reality. Let's not pretend that it doesn't exist, please. Black women have been seen as the ugliest, nastiest, dirtiest women in the country. The darkest, nappiest Black woman is the worst. We've all been taught that, in some way or another. (That does not mean that we've internalized or even prescribed to such teachings.) As a dark skinned, nappy-headed young woman (so many years ago), I realized that I had a responsibility to ME and my happiness. I learned that I could NOT look to the media, society, my sistas, my brothas, or any man, to love me. I learned that I had to love myself. I put in the hard work, as a young, single, dark skinned, nappy-headed, rock lovin young woman, to understand my own self worth. My worth can never be determined by who loves me, but only by how I love myself.

I truly believe that I am blessed to have a man with whom to share my life. And I thank him for choosing to share his life with me. I thank him for choosing to love me. BUT if I were to divorce today or if I were to lose him in another way, I still have ME. I love me. I walk with my head high and with pride for who I am. I love my nappy hair and would never want to be any other way. I love my chocolate skin (everybody can't have it). I love blasting my Ndegocello in the car as Black folks next to me frown in disgust. lol If I were alone, that wouldn't change. My husband or any other man does not define my love of me. I love me first. I honestly believe that if I didn't, I could not have had the love I share with Omar today.

I bought a big wall mirror from a garage sale yesterday. It's leaning up against a wall in the living room. Last night (after my husband and I made love in the living room *smile*), I sat in front of it and just looked at myself. First, I concentrated on my face. "I'm beautiful," I said to myself. Then I looked at my body. I keep saying the same thing to myself. In that mirror, I was able to see my whole naked body and I loved it. I saw the rolls of my stomach. I saw my big, round behind. It feels good to have someone love you. It feels so much better to love yourself for who you are. I'm certainly not saying that other women don't love themselves. I'm just saying that it isn't easy to love yourself in a society that teaches you that a man must validate your self worth. That's bullshit. We have way too much fun in which partake!! Let's go rock out, sistas. Shit. It's not always about that man. Who wants to go see Bad Brains in SanFran next week with me?

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Permalink Reply by conspicuious green on August 18, 2010 at 8:13am

you're all fucking stupid! esp loud mouth twat
If you thought i was gay then it was silly of you to have a homophob rant in front of me then wasn't it and even if you didn't
I can't stand intolerance hiding behind religion JUST SHUT UP AND GROW THE HELL UP YOU FUCKING WASTES!
"I have gay friends but..." shut up! you have issues deal with them or stay the hell away from me.

bonding over homophobia, you dissapoint me sirs!

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