A little rant about domestic violence

Let's see...where should I start?

Okay...this morning I was watching The Steve Wilcos Show. There was a woman that was on the stage going on and on about how her baby's father was a very abusive man. She said she was in the realtionship for about 3-4 years and he has beaten her in front of their child. She had the nerve to ask Steve to "help him change his ways" so that they could stay together and be a family. Crazy right? Well...the guy came out on the stage and said that she likes to instigate agruments and hit him also. Steve got in his face, yelled at him, and offered to help the girl. He gave her a choice to either get some help for her and her son or go back with the father. Her dumb ass went back to her baby's father. In all the situation was a huge mess and I ended up changing the channel out of frustration.

Here's the thing guys. I DON'T condone domestic violence at all! It's not right for a man to put his hands on a woman and visa versa. Both people should just move on and break up if they do nothing but fight. However, I have very little sympathy for people that choose to stay in those types of realtionships -- especially if there are children involved!

For example, I used deal with a girl who had two kids with a trifflin' ass negro. They were off and on for 10 1/2 years. He has beat the crap out of her, cheated on her, disprespected her in front of the kids, and even has even threatened to KILL the bitch! The thing that pissed me off about the situation was that they were being a couple of selfish dipshits and not thinking about the effects it had on the kids. They were pretty fucked up by the whole thing and it effected their behavior in school and with their peers.

I told her that she needed to leave him and go on with her life but he ended up leaving her and the children in the end. She called herself having a nervous breakdown afterwards. She slashed up her arms with a razor blade, overdosed on pills, and ended up getting put away in a psychiatric ward for a week. He NEVER supported his kids or did anything to help them after he left. He took his money and his stuff and didn't look back...not even for the sake of his kids.

I stepped up and helped her in anyway I could. I did a LOT for her and her kids. Months went by and she was at her bullshit AGAIN! She started making harrassing phone calls to him and his friends on a contstant basis. Then the bitch turned around and let him in her house after she ran around crying and talking about how he threatened to rape and kill her in front of the children! I was beyond pissed and cut her ass off for that.

Anyways, all I want to say is that females that choose to stay in these types of situations deserve whatever the fuck they get! These bitches should be ashamed of themselves for wanting pity and attention from others. IMO, these bitches are nothing but psychotic drama loving attention seekers. I mean...come on now! If the abuse is so bad why the hell don't you take your kids and leave? I don't believe in that "battered women's syndrome" shit. Sorry.

A long time ago I stayed in a women's shelter. I've met women that left their abusers and never looked back. They had no place to go, no money, no jobs...they just escaped because they decided that enough was enough and their children deserved better. It takes a strong woman to leave all she has behind to save herself and her children from something like that.

Anyways, I'm done with my rant. I just wat to know what ya'll think.

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Permalink Reply by LesYpersound on October 26, 2010 at 12:10pm

Ugh...

You do realize that it takes a lot to get up and out of those situations right? That these women have to mourn a tremendous loss of time, hope, and love.... The women you met when you stayed at a women's shelter went through a similar situation as these women you're so frustrated with right now, you're just seeing them on the other side of the threshold. You know what is absolutely not helpful to women caught in a very unhealthy and abusive relationship? Another "triffling" ass person telling her what to do, that she's stupid for staying with him, and that she's selfish for not thinking of her kids (the way you want her to).

I'm tired of folks telling downtrodden folk what to do in an attempt to empower them whilst making it seem like they're completely helpless, in need of our moral help/judgements, or deserve what's coming to them if they don't do what's "obvious".

Also fuck this idea of a distance between women who choose to stay for the time being in abusive relationships and myself... even as a service provider (i work at a shelter specifically for dv survivors) I totally see where they (and their abusers) are coming from and empathize with the sheer amount of shit and difficulty they got to put up w/ (from their families, friends, and random ass ppl who judge and shame them) to extract themselves and establish a healthy sense of self and boundaries.

I get your frustration, but ... getting angry at how stupid these women seem to you doesn't help anybody.
But... yes you need to call your friend out on her bullshit. Not in a demeaning way--like "you're a stupid bitch who don't know any better"--but in a way that emphasizes really looking at what she's doing to herself, her children, her friends and family, and even maintaining the insane state of affairs that is the Father of Her Children. What the fuck is lacking in your friend to be so oblivious to her actions and their consequences? Where does this fundamental disrespect for her self and her life come from that she thinks she doesn't deserve more than what she's settling for in the form of a chaotic life and fucked up intimate relationship?

I can't even get angry at people anymore... esp when the wounds are so deep and bloody and whatever stitches you try and place there to help that person mend just keep ripping open when there's a trigger. Healing is a long and tough process... for anybody. Really, when it comes to DV the only ppl I get miffed or angry at are folks in the legal system and/or misguided service provides who aren't client-centered.

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Permalink Reply by Lady of War on October 26, 2010 at 1:25pm

I think you missed my point though!

What I'm saying is that there are women out there that are full of shit when it comes to handling these situations. They cry bloody murder and put all their business out there as if it's a crisis but make the choice to stay in these fucked up realtionships. In all honesty, why the hell should they expect help and sympathy from anybody if they aren't willing to make a change themselves?

I agree with the point you made about "folks telling downtrodden folk what to do" to a certain degree. But what are you supposed to do when the "downtrodden" person makes a point of constantly getting others involved? If someone comes at you with the same bullshit situation you can't just grin, sugar coat it, and act like everything is alright. It's gonna piss you off when you put your ass on the line for them and they turn around and get involved all over again. It's as if they are getting some kind of sick thrill out of playing the victim.

The "friend" that went through this has had a lot of things happen to her in the past. She grew up with an alcoholic father that would abuse her mother. She also claimed her dad molested her. She met the father of her kids when she was only 15. He was 25 at the time. Her mom fucked up by moving this child predator into their home and allowing her to drop out of school and run the streets. During this time she has had sex with multiple partners and abused drugs and alcohol. By the time she was 17 she got pregnant. She had the second child a year later. The father got locked up on a felony charge after the second birth and has been in and out of prison since those kids were babies.

She told me the reason why she is in this state is because of what her father and what her kid's father did. She uses this excuse to live and act the way she does. I think it's bullshit to blame other people for your own actions. Seriously...she's a thirty year old woman with two children. Her dad is out of the picture. So is her baby's daddy. It makes no damn sense to say something like that. Don't get me wrong. She's had a hard life and went through some serious stuff but she needs to grow the fuck up and handle her business as a responsible parent. One thing I've noticed about females like her is that they blame others and don't take accountability for the shit they do. They need to realize that they have the children to watch out for now. Everything can't be about what happened years ago. Hell, I've gone through some pretty fucked up things in my past myself but I'm smart enough to know that I won't use that as an excuse to stay in a situation that could get me or my kids killed.

LesYpersound said:

Ugh...

You do realize that it takes a lot to get up and out of those situations right? That these women have to mourn a tremendous loss of time, hope, and love.... The women you met when you stayed at a women's shelter went through a similar situation as these women you're so frustrated with right now, you're just seeing them on the other side of the threshold. You know what is absolutely not helpful to women caught in a very unhealthy and abusive relationship? Another "triffling" ass person telling her what to do, that she's stupid for staying with him, and that she's selfish for not thinking of her kids (the way you want her to).

I'm tired of folks telling downtrodden folk what to do in an attempt to empower them whilst making it seem like they're completely helpless, in need of our moral help/judgements, or deserve what's coming to them if they don't do what's "obvious".

Also fuck this idea of a distance between women who choose to stay for the time being in abusive relationships and myself... even as a service provider (i work at a shelter specifically for dv survivors) I totally see where they (and their abusers) are coming from and empathize with the sheer amount of shit and difficulty they got to put up w/ (from their families, friends, and random ass ppl who judge and shame them) to extract themselves and establish a healthy sense of self and boundaries.

I get your frustration, but ... getting angry at how stupid these women seem to you doesn't help anybody.
But... yes you need to call your friend out on her bullshit. Not in a demeaning way--like "you're a stupid bitch who don't know any better"--but in a way that emphasizes really looking at what she's doing to herself, her children, her friends and family, and even maintaining the insane state of affairs that is the Father of Her Children. What the fuck is lacking in your friend to be so oblivious to her actions and their consequences? Where does this fundamental disrespect for her self and her life come from that she thinks she doesn't deserve more than what she's settling for in the form of a chaotic life and fucked up intimate relationship?

I can't even get angry at people anymore... esp when the wounds are so deep and bloody and whatever stitches you try and place there to help that person mend just keep ripping open when there's a trigger. Healing is a long and tough process... for anybody. Really, when it comes to DV the only ppl I get miffed or angry at are folks in the legal system and/or misguided service provides who aren't client-centered.

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Permalink Reply by Mark Clemons on October 26, 2010 at 6:05pm

U know what's funny? it's the females that get beat on they're always the ones that try to give U advice on what to do with your man or your life.GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!!!! If a man hit U 1 time ladies shame on him,if he does it again shame on U!.I don't have to hit a woman,I know how to get the fuck away from her crazy ass.I Hope I didn't the Point.

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Permalink Reply by LesYpersound on October 26, 2010 at 8:15pm

"what are you supposed to do when the "downtrodden" person makes a point of constantly getting others involved?"
set your boundaries. you're not responsible for this grown woman. if you think the children are being abused call DCFS so she and her kids can begin getting some therapy to help break these cycles. calling DCFS doesn't mean the kids will be taken away anymore... they're there to help stop family breakdowns and help folks be better parents.

"She uses this excuse to live and act the way she does. I think it's bullshit to blame other people for your own actions."
dude i totally agree w/ you, but is telling her is stupid and full of shit the best way to have her see her actions as her own and no one else's?

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Permalink Reply by Lady of War on October 27, 2010 at 8:24am

Okay. I understand setting the boundaries....you're right. She's grown and this is her issue. I realized this torwards the end. Actually...I felt like smacking myself upside the head once I figured out that she wasn't serious about gettting over the past and moving on with her life.

DFCS got involved in it. I didn't call them though. I think it may have had something to do with a school councellor or something.

Oh yeah...and about calling her out on her faults...I did indeed curse her out! When I say I went out of my way to help this girl, I mean that! I paid to have her moved into her new apartment. I got clothes for her kids. I was the one that took time off of work every day to make sure her kids got to and from school everyday. I have let the girl borrow money (which she never paid back)...the list goes on. What did I get in return? Harrassing phone calls from her sister, death and violence threats from that sorry ass baby daddy of hers, and her mom had the nerve to curse me out!

Hell yeah I went off on that bitch! I went off on her family too! I feel they ALL deserved it. She (the "friend") deserved it because I discovered how much of a liar and an instigator she was torwards the end. Also, I felt as if she was using me once I descovered she kept in contact with the guy long after everything went down. Her mom got cursed out because she had the audacity to call me a bitch after I put my foot down and told her I'd call the police after I got bombarded with death threats. The sister got it too because her hypocrite ass told the baby's dad I didn't like him AFTER she sat there and agreed with everything I said. In all, they totally deserved that much because I sacrificed MY time, effort, money, and safety for her and her kids only to be disrespected and taken for granted. Wouldn't you go off too if that happened to you?

LesYpersound said:

"what are you supposed to do when the "downtrodden" person makes a point of constantly getting others involved?"
set your boundaries. you're not responsible for this grown woman. if you think the children are being abused call DCFS so she and her kids can begin getting some therapy to help break these cycles. calling DCFS doesn't mean the kids will be taken away anymore... they're there to help stop family breakdowns and help folks be better parents.

"She uses this excuse to live and act the way she does. I think it's bullshit to blame other people for your own actions."
dude i totally agree w/ you, but is telling her is stupid and full of shit the best way to have her see her actions as her own and no one else's?

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Permalink Reply by LesYpersound on October 27, 2010 at 5:48pm

yeah...sucks that happened to you. i mean that shit happens a lot w/ ppl who have family that get wrapped up in their own b.s. and feel the need to get other people involved. :( but really all you can control is your self and no one else--it's good this person is only a friend and not... your mother/sister/aunt/cousin/etc. i hope they get the help they so obviously need tho.

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Permalink Reply by Lady of War on October 28, 2010 at 2:09am

Whadda ya mean?

Taradactyl said:

Mark Clemons said:
U know what's funny? it's the females that get beat on they're always the ones that try to give U advice on what to do with your man or your life.GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!!!! If a man hit U 1 time ladies shame on him,if he does it again shame on U!.I don't have to hit a woman,I know how to get the fuck away from her crazy ass.I Hope I didn't the Point.

mm...No

Never blame the victim. Ever.

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Permalink Reply by Rage_Proletaire on October 30, 2010 at 1:34pm

Lady of War said:

Whadda ya mean?

Taradactyl said:

Mark Clemons said:
U know what's funny? it's the females that get beat on they're always the ones that try to give U advice on what to do with your man or your life.GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!!!! If a man hit U 1 time ladies shame on him,if he does it again shame on U!.I don't have to hit a woman,I know how to get the fuck away from her crazy ass.I Hope I didn't the Point.

mm...No

Never blame the victim. Ever.

It's not conducive to rehabilitation.

Would you tell a rape victim that they shouldn't have been wearing a "provocative" skirt in the first place? Or that they got what they deserved for having a vagina?

If someone were trying to overcome substance abuse, would it really be helpful to say, "Well, if you hadn't gotten addicted, you wouldn't need rehab in the first place..." ?

That goes beyond sounding like Captain Obvious; blaming the victim in whatever circumstance is kinda spiteful.
Some people don't *get* this, but they'll judge any way. One could only wish karma were real.

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Permalink Reply by Lady of War on October 31, 2010 at 10:45am

Sigh...

Of course I wouldn't try to blame a rape victim for what they wore. I wouldn't blame an addict for thier addiction either.

The point I made had to do with females that won't leave the situation alone. I was there. I saw everything. Did you read anything I put down in my previous posts?

Rage_Proletaire said:

Lady of War said:
Whadda ya mean?

Taradactyl said:

Mark Clemons said:
U know what's funny? it's the females that get beat on they're always the ones that try to give U advice on what to do with your man or your life.GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!!!! If a man hit U 1 time ladies shame on him,if he does it again shame on U!.I don't have to hit a woman,I know how to get the fuck away from her crazy ass.I Hope I didn't the Point.

mm...No

Never blame the victim. Ever.

It's not conducive to rehabilitation.

Would you tell a rape victim that they shouldn't have been wearing a "provocative" skirt in the first place? Or that they got what they deserved for having a vagina?

If someone were trying to overcome substance abuse, would it really be helpful to say, "Well, if you hadn't gotten addicted, you wouldn't need rehab in the first place..." ?

That goes beyond sounding like Captain Obvious; blaming the victim in whatever circumstance is kinda spiteful.
Some people don't *get* this, but they'll judge any way. One could only wish karma were real.

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Permalink Reply by X-D-D-M*9 on October 31, 2010 at 5:05pm

Rough situations and unfortunately too common everwhere.

I'll go to the point I've made in the past to be careful of anyone goes off on simple things or restrains your movement, it may lead to greater abuse or violence so watch out or just leave them alone. I wholeheartly endorse self-defense for all but especially for women. I believe you can find info on the net, library or local YMCA or community centers.

Men most often have the physical advantage so they should not harm a woman. Easier said than done, but if woman attacks a man he should block or restrain the woman's attack and get the hell away from her as fast he can and call the cops so it's on record. Men most often are the abusers the greater majority of the time and there is little understanding or sympathy for a man who abused so if it happens, cover yourself legally.

No matter how angry a woman gets, they need to try to be rational before doing something like instigating a physical attack on a man. Even the the most timd man will react in a defensive manner and possibly take it on the offensive if his safety (and yes, ego) are threatened. I'm a peaceful cat and I've never hit a woman, but I've seen situations where I've thought, 'could I have held my composure like he did?' I don't know...

Pardon my male perspective; I can only speak on what I'm familiar with.

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Permalink Reply by Rage_Proletaire on October 31, 2010 at 5:24pm

Lady of War said:

Sigh...

Of course I wouldn't try to blame a rape victim for what they wore. I wouldn't blame an addict for thier addiction either.

The point I made had to do with females that won't leave the situation alone. I was there. I saw everything. Did you read anything I put down in my previous posts?

Rage_Proletaire said:
Lady of War said:
Whadda ya mean?

Taradactyl said:

Mark Clemons said:
U know what's funny? it's the females that get beat on they're always the ones that try to give U advice on what to do with your man or your life.GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!!!! If a man hit U 1 time ladies shame on him,if he does it again shame on U!.I don't have to hit a woman,I know how to get the fuck away from her crazy ass.I Hope I didn't the Point.

mm...No

Never blame the victim. Ever.

It's not conducive to rehabilitation.

Would you tell a rape victim that they shouldn't have been wearing a "provocative" skirt in the first place? Or that they got what they deserved for having a vagina?

If someone were trying to overcome substance abuse, would it really be helpful to say, "Well, if you hadn't gotten addicted, you wouldn't need rehab in the first place..." ?

That goes beyond sounding like Captain Obvious; blaming the victim in whatever circumstance is kinda spiteful.
Some people don't *get* this, but they'll judge any way. One could only wish karma were real.

Um, yeah. Sure did.

And I didn't understand why you asked "Whadda ya mean?" in response to someone advising against blaming a victim, especially considering what was discussed in the preceding posts... I wouldn't have posted anything at all, but your response confused me.