Anti-gay bullying leads to suicide of 11-year old boy

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Permalink Reply by kifaru on April 19, 2009 at 2:54pm

Well as the kid who got threatened with death for painting his nails after church, I can say as an adult I understand what my parents were worried about. From my experience when I hear people in the black community speak about homosexuality I hear one or two things that always come up: violence and poor character(i.e. weakness). People I have heard tend to think of homosexuality it in the context of how they ususally hear about it. So because we have such a high incarceration rate the context is men raping in prison, or some man "messing" with little boys. The fact is that a lot of people have seen a masculine man go in prison and come out feminine. To alot of us that speaks to a person's character. "He got turned out." So it's not just that he is a victim of rape but he gave himself over to that i.e he is weak. That sets the person up for lower social status because of the stigma attached with homosexuality. The worst thing a black man can be in our community is weak. I do happen to believe that social stratification is human nature. People will pile on the odd man out.
CocoaPuss Zine said:

my son is two and right now me and his dad argue over polishing his finger and toe nails. our son LOVES it when i do this because he's learning his colors and thinks it's awesome that he has color on his fingers, his dad HATES it. i'm not sure why. he probably thinks that having hot pink toenails is somehow very feminine and i just don't give a fuck. our child is two he likes what he likes. i don't want his dad panicking and being crazy over that.

i think that's all the activism i have in me as a mother to a child who isn't potty trained yet.

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Permalink Reply by CocoaPuss Zine on April 19, 2009 at 3:17pm

when you are 11 though, how do you know and understand "hanging". i don't think that was even in my brain at the age of 11. or cutting either. perhaps i was sheltered or something, but maybe i wasn't. i'm not sure. i just don't think it's that common to want to inflict violence on yourself in the 5th grade. but i'm 26 so i don't really know.



LesYpersound said:

Oh, and to this,
"i have a hard time really grasping the idea of an 11 year old killing himself. like how did he know what to do? killing yourself is really hard to do, most people don't get it right the first time. how does suicide get into the brain of an 11 year old?"

i was "cutting" and wanting to die so i could "go home" in the sixth grade--i was about 11.

it is distressing that such young boys would get it right--there was another grade-schooler in the chicagoland area who successfully hung himself at school.

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Permalink Reply by CocoaPuss Zine on April 19, 2009 at 3:22pm

i'm not really sure what you can do, as far as activism goes, to prevent or make people more aware of gay rights and violence and hate crimes. correcting language is something, speaking up when people are gay bashing, educating, wearing nail polish if you are guy and like it and then when your family talks shit ask them about it, read more. just be around kids and talk to them and just be in their lives and LISTEN. that is HUGE. kids are not going to tell you anything if they don't trust you. you have to just be with them and follow through to build that trust first.

maybe the best thing to do if you have free time is to be a big sister or big brother to someone else. it's ok to request a black kid as your "little". i used to have a little sister and it was awesome. or volunteering in middle and high schools. that's something.

here is my activism. http://www.villagevolunteers.org/village_mama_nd/mama_na_dada.php

best time ever.
-lamesha

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Permalink Reply by LesYpersound on April 19, 2009 at 5:07pm

a part of that is my problem with the current idea of "activism"--i think all of the stuff you listed is true activism. and the activism that really works is home based, has to do with the individual and their families and their communities and then extends outward. i really dislike the idea of "helping people". when i did the work i used to do before i flamed out it wasn't about helping "them" it was about helping me. :p


re: a kids'/youths' suicidal tendencies

the issue of what is or isn't "common" or "normal" is a problem. it isn't like what has happened is inexplicable or supernatural and one-off freak accident involving 'abnormal' situations (earlier this year in chicago, a grade schooler also hung himself but in his school's bathroom).

i offered up my personal experience as a way to humanize this little kid because i definitely was in that mindset when i was his age. as an adult now i think i can say that i hurt myself because i internalized the idea that there must be something wrong and abnormal about me since i had all of these 'problems' on top of constant fighting at school with my classmates and asshole teachers and bio-family who didn't really feel like family.
i felt like i had no one to talk to, i was pissed off and acted out but in the end was just really frustrated with not feeling like i had a family (chosen or biological) or a place where i belonged -- and the only thing that could snap me back to reality (or the present) and focus so i could "function" quicker than anything = cutting.
so i cut when writing or drawing couldn't help me and i couldn't focus on reading or listening to angry/sad music, or watching movies.

and then the whole "death wish" had to do w/ something i think a lot of ppl and kids can understand--i just wanted to go home... to my real home where i belonged around ppl who'd accept, understand, and love me.

and seriously, people don't know or even want to think about how to deal with kids' problems let alone thoughts of suicide--because "obviously" their kids are "normal". :p

anyway... i think it's obvious why i was a punk earlier rather than later in life. :b

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Permalink Reply by Jenny Taelyah on April 19, 2009 at 6:06pm

I had the same experiences around the ages between 11 and 18. For the ages of 11 to 13, I attribute most of it to the drastic changes that surrounded me moving from elementary school to middle school where everyone seem to get meaner and thinner over the summer. My not-so-obvious differences that were previously seen as just another part of me (or not seen at all), were now VERY obvious and the reason why people went on to treat me like shit.

I had problems with ADD (yes, the "real" kind) and instead of any of my teachers pointing this out and trying to get me some help, they sighed, made faces and made me feel like I was asking for too much help...I felt stupid.

At the age of 13 I moved to Nigeria for about to 2 years and ended up staying in American again when I came to visit for christmas, meeting my friends from middle school all over again was like an episode of The Twilight Zone. Everyone seemed to be alternate versions of themselves (and of course that whole "scene kid" thing blew up, which I knew nothing about) and I just couldn't catch up to 2 years of sex, drugs and high school; so naturally, I fell behind in EVERY aspect.

I ended up barely graduating and going to a JUCO where I bombed my first two semesters and ended up on academic probation. I hated school, hated myself and envied everyone else. I pretty much didn't give a fuck about school because I didn't feel like I was really a person..it's kinda hard to explain, but I used to refer to myself as a "filler".

My parent's thought I was lazy, and I don't blame them. Other than my sister's autism (which also rocked their worlds), they had never been faced with mental illness and in result didn't know how to deal with it. Many Nigerian-Americans have difficulty accepting anything that isn't obvious or doesn't require a wheelchair and/or helmet as a mental problem.

CCPZ and Les are both right, activism starts in the/your home, b/c it "breaks the chain" so to speak.

LesYpersound said:

a part of that is my problem with the current idea of "activism"--i think all of the stuff you listed is true activism. and the activism that really works is home based, has to do with the individual and their families and their communities and then extends outward. i really dislike the idea of "helping people". when i did the work i used to do before i flamed out it wasn't about helping "them" it was about helping me. :p


re: a kids'/youths' suicidal tendencies

the issue of what is or isn't "common" or "normal" is a problem. it isn't like what has happened is inexplicable or supernatural and one-off freak accident involving 'abnormal' situations (earlier this year in chicago, a grade schooler also hung himself but in his school's bathroom).

i offered up my personal experience as a way to humanize this little kid because i definitely was in that mindset when i was his age. as an adult now i think i can say that i hurt myself because i internalized the idea that there must be something wrong and abnormal about me since i had all of these 'problems' on top of constant fighting at school with my classmates and asshole teachers and bio-family who didn't really feel like family.
i felt like i had no one to talk to, i was pissed off and acted out but in the end was just really frustrated with not feeling like i had a family (chosen or biological) or a place where i belonged -- and the only thing that could snap me back to reality (or the present) and focus so i could "function" quicker than anything = cutting.
so i cut when writing or drawing couldn't help me and i couldn't focus on reading or listening to angry/sad music, or watching movies.

and then the whole "death wish" had to do w/ something i think a lot of ppl and kids can understand--i just wanted to go home... to my real home where i belonged around ppl who'd accept, understand, and love me.

and seriously, people don't know or even want to think about how to deal with kids' problems let alone thoughts of suicide--because "obviously" their kids are "normal". :p

anyway... i think it's obvious why i was a punk earlier rather than later in life. :b

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Permalink Reply by LesYpersound on April 19, 2009 at 7:38pm

Jenny Taelya said:

Many Nigerian-Americans have difficulty accepting anything that isn't obvious or doesn't require a wheelchair and/or helmet as a mental problem.

A lot of communities have this problem, but especially people of color, immigrants (i'm a daughter of one :]), and/or poor communities who have "other/bigger" things to worry about. And calling what happened to us "mental health" problems for the people who view themselves as "normal" marks us as different or less normal when--in reality--most of 'them' know what 'we' are talking about and may even be in denial about their history or future encounters w/ these spooky mental health problems. :P

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Permalink Reply by Madamoiselle De Sade on April 19, 2009 at 11:02pm

LesYpersound said:

Jenny Taelya said:

Many Nigerian-Americans have difficulty accepting anything that isn't obvious or doesn't require a wheelchair and/or helmet as a mental problem.

A lot of communities have this problem, but especially people of color, immigrants (i'm a daughter of one :]), and/or poor communities who have "other/bigger" things to worry about. And calling what happened to us "mental health" problems for the people who view themselves as "normal" marks us as different or less normal when--in reality--most of 'them' know what 'we' are talking about and may even be in denial about their history or future encounters w/ these spooky mental health problems. :P

Mmhmm.

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Permalink Reply by kifaru on April 24, 2009 at 6:41am

Another little boy has committed suicide.
Jaheem Herrera, 11, was frustrated with bullies calling him "gay" a...

I can say that this quite disturbing but I am not suprised. I was bullied in school but I was never called gay. Teachers then as now are more likely than not to be indifferent in either words or action because it is difficult to make one childs issue the "issue" when there are so many issues. Parents in a misguided attempt to "make a man" out a male child will say "stand up for yourself". One of the things I think parents do is "request" something be done from school officials when their child is being bullied instead of "demanding". So, what's the something to be done:

Notify your child's school about the bullying in writing several times and by different means
Take threats issued to your child seriously and demand that the school do so
Make sure that your child's victimizers are identified
Demand to have your child removed from classrooms where they are being exposed to their victimizers
Have the parents of your child's victimizer contacted and get them involved
Demand that your child be protected from his victimizers on any school transportation and bus stops
Notify the police if your child has been assaulted

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Permalink Reply by Madamoiselle De Sade on April 24, 2009 at 8:14am

When I was little I was told to "stand up" for myself and fight back. My parents and teachers knew it was mostly a lost cause to get the parent's of the child doing the bullying involved because they were/are often times "more ignorant than the child" when it came to respecting others. Sad, but true.
Almost everyone in my family is a teacher and one of the things they talk about a lot is calling the parents of a child who is acting out or hurting another child only to have the parents of that child getting hot and wanting to fight them.

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