Back by popular demand "The Tale of Rico Grande"

About 12 years ago I'm in this Mexican brothel doing a little “research” on Mexican culture. If you've been to a bunch of brothels like I have, you would know that this one was pretty typical. You know, kinda funky with lots of creepy looking, old ass white and Asian dudes looking to score some underage poon and a few local guys manning the bar and watching the door. But hey, what do you expect? It's a club that features "donkey shows" i.e. live sex shows featuring a woman having intercourse with a donkey. To be honest, more often than not it’s actually a miniature pony. If you want to see the real stuff you gotta go where there’s a military base close by like the Phillipines. Regardless creepy dudes always come with the territory. But I digress.

So, here I am in the middle Chihuahua waiting to see the “show”. Like most of my “research” trips, I’m the only black guy there. I’m probably the only black within a 100 miles. But hey, you gotta go where the research takes you. Right? So, I'm sitting at my table drinking what my waiter tells me is pulque which looks like horchata tastes like tequila and smells like sour apples. Not the worst drink I’ve ever had but far from the best. I feel a buzz coming on so at least I’ll be feeling good even if the show sucks.

The donkey show is supposed to start at 10:45. I'm looking at my watch and it’s 10:05 so I figure I'll just relax and maybe strike up a conversation with one the creepy looking cats in here. You know, get to know the regulars. Most of the guys seem to be pretty unapproachable and have got that “I’m scared as hell someone from back home will see me” look on their faces. I decide it might be better to just  sit quietly and wait for the show.

At about 10:15 the spotlight illuminates the stage, the mic turns on and feedsback fills the speakers for a second. The announcer, who looks like a young Ricardo Montalban comes up and says in a thick Mexican accent. "Caballeros and Caballeras , ladies and Gentlemen, intrrroducing, RRRRicoooo Grrrandeee!!!! "

Ahh, the opening act. These places always have an opening act. They can be anything from a juggling monkey to a deformed kid singing pop songs in whatever the local language is. All that adds up to is that they usually suck but they do fill the time and make the wait for the real show bearable. With a name like Rico Grande, I'm thinking the guy coming on is some ex-luchidor coming to do a strongman act or something. I envision a sorta fat guy in wrestling mask and tights on doing a poor job of faking to lift some dumbells that are obviously much lighter than their stated weight. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

A little guy who couldn't have been more then 4'2'' wearing a bathrobe walks up onto the stage and I'm not talking about someone with dwarfism. Dude was a perfectly proportioned albeit short man of what appeared to be pure Mayan indian extraction. Besides being short the man looked totally unremarkable. I told myself “this is going to suck as usual” and resigned myself to being tortured by this guy who would more than likely sing Justin Bieber songs to karaoke music in Spanish.

There's a drumroll and then dude opens his robe to reveal a schlong that is literally dragging on the ground. Not a penis. Not a dick. Not a cock. A schlong.  Schlong is the only way to describe the thing he had revealed.  I was sitting about 20 feet from the stage and even from there I could tell it was real.

So the dude discards his robe and starts walking around the stage real casual like dragging this super long tallywacker on the floor. I'm thinking that this is the strangest thing I have seen in a while. Then he stops in the middle of the stage and begins tying his cock into knots and I'm like "Get the fuck out of here!" After tying a slip knot and then believe it or not a windsor knot the guy unties his manhood and begins slowly jacking it. Well I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it but he gets this thing hard. How he didn’t pass out from lack of blood to his brain  I couldn’t tell you. He starts licking his lips and nodding his head and shit and the head on this thing has swollen to the size of a tennis ball. This thing was at least 20 inches long and as thick as his forearm.

All of a sudden Rico runs to the edge of the stage dick in hand, leaps into the air, and lands about 10 ft away on one of the first row of tables. He turns towards the guy closest to him and uses his member to knock the guy out with a blow to the head. Then he leaps to another table in the first row and does the same thing to another guy. Then leaps back on stage.

Well I thought that I had seen enough when Rico Grande goes over to stage left and comes back with a couple of bricks which he proceeds to pulverize them with his man hammer. By this time the bar is dead silent the front row has moved back 5 ft and merged with the second row and more than a few people looked terrified.

When I thought this shit couldn’t get any stranger a naked blonde woman who was about 6'2 and from the look of her I would guess she was Swedish or German. She had obviously been using steroids and body building comes because she was biiiig. I don't meat fat big. I mean big like she could whip any man's ass she wanted big. This chick is built like the biggest leanest wrestler on a college wrestling team with a face to match.  She had a set large C fake boobs and a shaved beaver with a very conspicuous clit and long labia. That was big woman.

At first she flexes her muscles a few times and does a few bodybuilding poses. Then grabs Rico Grande by his weapon and lifts him up into the air. She was literally walking around holding him above her head like a human umbrella. After twirling him a few times she sets him back down and turns around. Rico Grande jumps on her back and plants one foot on each of her muscular buttocks while holding her hair in his hand like reins on a horse and begins working his monster meat into her. Well slowly but surely after about three minutes all 20 inches of this guy has disappeared into this woman. Her eyes are as big as saucers and Rico Grande is keeping absolutely still.

The stage mic was obviously still on because just above  the sound of the breathing of the mesmerized crowd I could hear the woman say "Damn this is good. Go deeper, Mi amor". Well this must have been the cue for the finale because Rico pulls all the way out then rams it in balls deep then pulls out again and wacks the blonde over the head with his schlong. Unfazed she turns around, grabs Rico by the neck lifts him up in the air and then punches him in the balls. He screams and shoots a load up into the air that looks more like a string of pearls than semen. She lets him go and quick as a flash before gravity forces the load to the ground he runs to the other side of the stage and catches the load in his mouth and swallows it in one gulp. He then walked back over to the blonde who bends down and passionately kisses him and then they walk off the stage holding hands.

Dead silence erupts into thunderous applause with every patron except the two who were incapacitated by Rico chanting “Rico! Rico! Rico! Rico!” I was stunned to say the least. Unbeknownst to me I had crushed the glass I had in my hand and taken a massive dump in my pants. Upon realizing this I decided to forgo the donkey show and head back to my hotel. That was some of the strangest shit I had ever seen. Not as strange as the Chickenfucker but pretty damn strange.

Copyright K.L. Jones