Black women undesireable?

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Permalink Reply by Rosenda on February 2, 2010 at 1:04pm

You're not invisible. You are aware of yourself and at least appreciate some things about yourself, right?

Then you are not invisible. And we are aware of you way out here in all these different cities that all of us in AfroPunk live in, right?
You are not invisible. You might have to go through some time yet before you meet more people you will connect with who really do appreciate you, but in the meantime keep being good to yourself in little ways. How, you ask? Do what interests you and makes you happy on your own. Books, music, online stuff, going places that you WANT to go to (even if you don't know anyone there yet, go places during that day if that's safer for you). You don't EVER have to PROVE to ANYONE that you are "cool". Some people will think you are cool and some will not and life goes on regardless, and you will wake up every morning and see the sun or the rain to tell you you are still alive and real.

And yeah there are some rank people out there who will not respect you or like you cause you're black.
But there are some who will........some of any other ethnic groups, including your own. Watch out for them and if they like you just as you are, appreciate the hell out of them as you meet them in life. Don't worry..........you WILL make friends along the way in life.
It may seem rough and lonely but it won't always be that way. Make SURE you keep on little by little doing the things YOU like to do. Sometimes what happens is in focusing on those outside things................you do meet other people who you get along with really well, friends as well as boyfriends/girlfriends. Because those people are heading that same direction.

I still know that invisble feeling very well at times.................I am later in life, but I find myself in a weird zig zag tic tac toe teeter totter down and up world of people that dont always get me or accept me because I either don't fit into the traditional black woman stereotypes they are comfortable with, or else it's the conundrum of me not living the traditional life any woman of my age ususally is living. And sometimes yeah that bothers me and even in this big city I feel alone and lonely. But along the way of my life, I have met a few people here and there who mean alot to me and really like me as I am today and on through the changes that happen as I've grown up. And yeah........during the slow periods where aint a lot of good shit happening, I have to truly, truly appreciate those people when they have time to hang with me. Just go with the flow of it..........I know even in my own life, sometimes it's busy sometimes its slow. I have a lot of work and living ahead of me to get to the life where I want to be and probably in a different way so do you.

So good luck and be good to yourself as much as you can. Keep telling yourself "I AM pretty cool" every so often even if you don't always feel it. Keep moving forward and don't ever, ever give up on yourself, Zarinah.

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Permalink Reply by Velour on February 2, 2010 at 4:09pm

I've felt like this before. I grew up with my mexican side of the family in an all mexican neighborhood. I went to Catholic private school with all mexican people. I never saw another black person until I was 12 years old and that was only from a distance. Lonely! I was La Negrita and no one talked to me.
As I grew up I still had the mentality that I was La Negrita and that no one would want to talk to me even if people tried, I was stuck in this pattern of thinking. I sabotaged my own relationships into adulthood because I saw myself as undesirable with this dark skin and kinky hair.
I can't say I know if something specific triggered a change but it's not the same. I think when I changed my own view of myself people saw me- all of me, personality and dark skin, kinky hair- and loved me for all of it. I value myself and little things I do show it. People are more drawn to a person who shines from the inside out.
Maybe some self examination can help you. How do you view yourself? You may be sending signals that you aren't open to relationships or you don't have respect for yourself through your body language. As much as we all hate to hear about judging, we all notice body language and come to conclusions based on it. We read these before a person even speaks. These ''hipsters'' may see something that shows you feel miserable about who you are, who you're with, and where you are. ''Bohemian hipsters'' love people who love life and make the most of it. Or they may just be shallow posers... Either way people are just people, shallow or not, if you want to get into any crowd you have to know how lovely you are and put that out there. Someone will notice. And come on! white girls love having a token black friend!
Moving on, some signals that may show you are insecure or miserable, speaking for you before you can actually speak...
How do you carry yourself? with pride? Do you look tired- like life is too hard to live? Shoulders slumped, droopy eyes doesn't look like a person happy to be anywhere.
Do you smile when people make eye contact? Or do you shuffle away pretending not to see them. We all hate being ignored....
Do you look at a person in the eyes when they speak to you? Or do you look down or away from them?
How do you treat the people around you? I like to watch how people treat others before I speak to them. Do you show impatience? Are you rude to people who you think are below you? If you are with someone you love do you treat them with respect? Or are you showing how tired you are of being around them?

I've also found that genuinely complimenting a person is a great way to spark a conversation. I recently told a cashier, '' I know this is weird but I had to come to your line and tell you how much I dig white guys who can pull off the shaved head look." He turned red said thank you and told me about his decision to go ahead and shave it. Now when I go into the grocery store he waves for me to come to his line. Try it. Notice something awesome and tell the person. Don't flatter but genuinely mean what you say. Sometimes it can be awkward- people wondering why you're telling them anything, but who wants to be friends with a person like that?

No matter where you are trying to ''belong'' or what ethnicity you are you should love yourself and the rest will follow.
You are not undesirable so show it ^-^

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Permalink Reply by Fashionfreak on February 2, 2010 at 8:23pm

i understand how you feel. once upon a time in jr high and highschool i tried to fit in with the black kids who grew up in the hood but i couldn't relate at all and it showed...they knew it themselves and I knew it myself. here i am today pursuing my career and not a black face around except for one that may pop up here and there. i don't fit in with them either! it doesn't really help that i am an introvert and i find it extremely difficult to strike up conversation. it's even akward for me to look at people in the eye. when i am on the train i always bring a book and headphones with me to keep myself from looking at anyone, i wear sunglasses and hats all the time (which has become somewhat of a signature look of mine haha) b/c i hate being stared down on the street, and i have a really bad tendency of ignoring people that i don't really know due to my timid personality. but when push comes to shove you have to get out there and meet others or you will lead a lonely life. i am a work in progress but i encourage you to get out there and do something you enjoy on your own. eventually you will find like minded individuals!

a lot of the black guys i meet who dig the stuff i do don't date black women and the ones who don't dig it well obviously they go for the stereotypical black chicks. on the other hand, many white guys i come across don't date black girls either so i just said you know what i am going to just enjoy my own company till a guy who likes me for me comes along!

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Permalink Reply by Brandon on February 2, 2010 at 10:23pm

Sounds like you are trying too hard to be whoever those "hipster and artsy" peoples friend. People can see through that really easily. Try relaxing and NOT acting just be yourself. But I really don't have many friends that I keep in touch with on a daily, weekly, or even monthly basis. I tend to just do what I do alone. And yes you are desirable perhaps you need to elevate your company if you have to prove your coolness to people. I would stay away from that. Better to be alone then to fake yourself!

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Permalink Reply by Madamoiselle De Sade on February 3, 2010 at 7:46am

I used to feel all that, Zarinah1. In fact, my original screen name was invisible disaster. But one morning I woke up and erased the self doubt about my blackness from my mine. If they don't want me because I'm black and therefore not cool enough I don't need them. Anyone who doesn't consider me for things not related to the content of my character can go to hell. It's a natural weeding out process, a great way to make sure you end up with mostly people you want around you around. I call it "the Terry Gilliam method" I read an interview where he was saying what people who don't know him think of him keeps the types of people he doesn't want around him at bay and causes those who like the way he does things to seek him out. Look at it like that.

Scenes. ...I don't concentrate on trying to join groups anymore. If it happens, it happens but it's going to be based on a bond, not me having to prove my "coolness for a black chick" (as in the "you're cool for a black chick" line most of us hear) to them.

You're not alone, I still feel my race blocks some opportunities sometimes. Glad you reached out.

edit: Rosenda is totally right, you don't have to prove you're cool enough (or punk enough, or hood enough, or black enough etc.,) to anyone.

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Permalink Reply by Queen Afro Punnk on February 3, 2010 at 10:50am

do not be discouraged. if others r blinded by stereotypes they don't deserve your friendship anyway. people fear what they don't understand and u need 2 let yout light shine regardless. we black woman have unique beauty undeniable stregnth and style and add your punkness and u know u r a force 2b reckoned with so give the ignorance the finger and who cares what they think, "we here and we aint going nowhere" /via n.e.r.d "spaz"

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Permalink Reply by LesYpersound on February 3, 2010 at 11:33am

i know where you're coming from...it takes a lot of personal work to get to a place where you can welcome the friendships and relationships you want in your life--like most things, the fault isn't with Others or a Karmic conspiracy but with you and being closed off. Healthy folks who would be great friends or partners and desire your friendship and love are around--once you get to that healthy place in your mind and heart.

i sincerely love AP for this kind of support and outpouring that occasionally shows up. :]
we are truly like a fam--and i've been the snarky, kinda bitchy but sincere cousin. :P

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Permalink Reply by Madamoiselle De Sade on February 3, 2010 at 11:44am

"-like most things, the fault isn't with Others or a Karmic conspiracy but with you and being closed off. "

Yeah. I learned to stop thinking about race. Now if only i could stop thinking about genitalia.

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Permalink Reply by kifaru on February 3, 2010 at 12:25pm

I feel what you wrote except for the title. Black women Undesireable seems like another subject. Your problem with your man is something that you're just gonna have to find the strength to deal with.

You can find people that are good to be around. Socially isolationg yourself is not healthy. Unfortunatlely the only way you're going to get out of that is opening up to meet people. Try not to totally throw yourself into a friendship when you do make some so you don't get dissappointed. Do not use web relationships as a crutch for real face to face relationships.

If you got time enroll in a class at your community college. That's a good way to meet people. You don't need a group of people that seem cool to you to like you either. Likewise for being part of a scene.

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Permalink Reply by lyfenlyn on February 3, 2010 at 1:42pm

Well the good news is youre 25, on the edge of adulthood, so you have some decisons to make. I have a 'friend' who has lived in the same town since they were in grade school and the same friends. All he does in complain about how he cant find anyone to be with, any new friends, the clubs are all like this. And the town is kind of country. I advised him to pack it in and move to a larger city or right outside one so when he wants culture and sparkling conversation you can jump in the whip and go. The thing with him is he is ruled by fear and insecurity so he will probably die alone, by choice. Because when you make decision not to do anything about your current circumstance, then that is a choice.

I think I have mentioned a thousand times all up and through here my experience of living in Washington state, in Seattle for most of my younger years. If I hadn't started hanging around with gay people I wouldn't have had any acknowledgement at all. That was all of my family and love, period. Outside of that it was a joke. There was only a few people who I was cool with over the years. All the black men I met either wanted to use me, rejected me outright because they 'didn't date black women because were all the same' and they were above me, or were already in relationships with other people, let's not forget straight up gay. I got into my 30's and said if I was going to have any sort of serious relationship, or even date, I had to move and be around a whole lot more black people.

From reading your paragraph it sounds like you seem intimidated by these people, or maybe you have internalzed the idea that you aren't good enough and you are projecting it on people around you. And as for 'hipster bohemians' give me a mutherfucking break with that shit. Seattle is full of these people, and they are POSERS! Trying to 'prove cool' to them is like trying to prove that you are faker than they are. BE WHO YOU ARE! BE AN ORIGINAL, SET THE STANDARD! You are the source in the first place. Black people created rock n roll. Ask anyone on this board how far being timid gets you in this world. THIS place is called afro PUNK not afro PUFF. j/k/b/n/r

knock it off, dig deep and blaze throu girl.

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Permalink Reply by Virgil Spight on February 8, 2010 at 8:13am

I agree with the previous posts. It seems that the problem that you have is not so much that black women are undesirable or that you, specifically, are undesirable but that you are not pleased with yourself. If you are happy with yourself then you will project that and others will respond to you. You are still relatively young. Your life is full of opportunities and possibilities. I have never felt invisible, quite the opposite, but I know what you mean by being lonely. I was lonely in the majority of my younger days. I did go a long time without speaking to a soul. I have never had a problem with meeting people or fitting in any "scene" most likely because I have never really tried. I have been blessed or cursed depending on how you look at it to only be able to be myself. If all of the previous advice fails I can be your friend in cyberspace. Good luck.

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Permalink Reply by SaintGermaine on February 8, 2010 at 12:08pm

It's tough being a black hipster, I know. Hipster's hate everybody, but you're somebody too! What to do!? You know, this is really the mirror image of a post I made the other day, so thanks for posting it. Anyway, I think lyfenlyn had the best advice -- you can't expect your life to change unless you're willing to change it.

I've been a loner all my life as well, but the few friends I do have, I found them by persuing my passions in life. What do you want to do? Take a class in that field. Go to shows. Hang out in record stores. If you're going to be a hipster, be a hipster! Do hipster things! Dress like a nutcase. Make a spectacle of yourself. The "be yourself" advice sounds good, but that's what you've been doing all along isn't it? And how's it working out for you? Sometimes, I find "staying true to yourself" can turn into a trap made of rules about who you're supposed to be based on who you've been in the past. If that's what we're stuck with, god help us! You know what they say the definition of insanity is -- doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Be your REAL self, not the one you've been, but the one you want to be.

And that guy you've been going out with that you don't really like has got to go! That's probably your main obstacle. Cut that zero. Move somewhere new! Take some chances, have an adventure! A change is as good as a rest, as they say. If all else fails, move to New York and date me! Whatever you do, take your life in your own hands, it's the only one you've got.

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