lol at reading this thread/OP again. "It's just getting worse now that I'm ageing." OMG...i know. and we're not even "old" yet.
I was cruising for a somewhat relevant thread to put this in since I wanted to share it--OKCupid is set up in a way where they can and have and will apply statistical analysis to the data ppl put up on their site and how ppl use their site (e.g. msg'ing).
Here are a few links re: their race based findings--
Stuff [insert race] People Like --
They break it down by race and pick out words or phrases that are used by certain groups more often than others.
Race and gender trends that happen offline persists on the interwebs --
black women write back the most... too bad men of all races don't write them back if they msg the dude first.
white men get more responses
and "White women prefer white men to the exclusion of everyone else—and Asian and Hispanic women prefer them even more exclusively."
any group that expects you to "prove your coolness" isn't a group of friends, so much as a clan of social slaves of category who wear one another as accessories. your friends shouldn't base your worth on your looks or what you wear (contrary to what some people on this board will hoist as noble truth), much less the color of your skin. anyone who tries to tell you as such isn't worth the time or invested energy of friendship to begin with, trust me. we all feel socially awkward and invisible at times, and you are by no means alone in feeling a little depressed because of it. i do think however, that a lot of your problem stems from the person you're currently with. if i read your post correctly, and the person you've been with for the last five years makes you that unhappy, perhaps you should take steps to get away from this person so that you can garner a sense of independence and freedom from the obligations of being in a relationshit.
it vexes me why people choose to stay in dysfunctional relationships when they obviously know things aren't working, carrying this highly delusional belief that they can "change one another". its beyond obtuse. but yeah, i think that's stage one sweetie. get out the unhealthy relationship first, then just start trying to make new ones. don't be afraid to strike up conversation with people around your neighborhood, and don't subject yourself to one social click. you'd be surprised who you meet at a book store, a coffee shop, on the bus, or just chilling at the park.
hang in there sweetie, being human and making genuine bonds with others is by no means any easy task. if it were, the world would be an infinitly more shallow place than it already is. LoL
alot of sistas need to stop putting up "the wall"
alot dont do this, but too many do....yeah your experiences shape your reality, but you gonna miss the boat by judging the book's cover on sight...