Black women undesireable?

Maybe this should go under "vent" or has already been posted elsewhere. So, sorry in advance.

I'm 25, with someone I don't really like for about 5 years, and Ive never had a friend in my life besides one I knew in elementary who I haven't communicated with sine I was 13. I live a very lonely life. If it wasn't for my boyfriend a my small family I would go days without speaking to another living soul. I don't want to sound like I'm haveing a pitty party, but I can't help but feel that people just don't even consider my friendship because I'm black. I'm not perfectly obviosly but I shouldn't have to be in this predicament. There's a big hipster, bohemian artsy scene here but I can never prove my coolness. It's just getting worse now that I'm ageing. I feel even
more hopeless. I feel invisible. Anyone relate?

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Permalink Reply by Madamoiselle De Sade on September 8, 2010 at 3:48pm

"Men don’t write black women back. Or rather, they write them back far less often than they should. Black women reply the most, yet get by far the fewest replies. Essentially every race—including other blacks—singles them out for the cold shoulder."

Oh fucking hell. I knew it was true (from experience of course- the ugliest duckling syndrome is true), I just hate when it's proven with raw data from somewhere. [death of a dream]

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Permalink Reply by lyfenlyn on September 27, 2010 at 11:52am

Reeeeeaaaallllly? We write back the most? Hmmmm wonder why. I dont write back as much as im written to there. For every 10 there may be one that I think, 'sigh, ok I'l say SOMETHING to this fool.'

LesYpersound said:

lol at reading this thread/OP again. "It's just getting worse now that I'm ageing." OMG...i know. and we're not even "old" yet.

Anyway,
I was cruising for a somewhat relevant thread to put this in since I wanted to share it--OKCupid is set up in a way where they can and have and will apply statistical analysis to the data ppl put up on their site and how ppl use their site (e.g. msg'ing).

Here are a few links re: their race based findings--
Stuff [insert race] People Like --
http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-real-stuff-white-people-like/
They break it down by race and pick out words or phrases that are used by certain groups more often than others.

Race and gender trends that happen offline persists on the interwebs --
http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-race-affects-whether-people-...
black women write back the most... too bad men of all races don't write them back if they msg the dude first.
white men get more responses
and "White women prefer white men to the exclusion of everyone else—and Asian and Hispanic women prefer them even more exclusively."

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Permalink Reply by JimiPeeps on September 27, 2010 at 2:05pm

Friendship shouldn't be race related. If these people don't accept you for who/what you are, remember for every one person that doesn't accept you, there are 10 more who will love you, you just might be in the wrong area. I'm 23, and I look 17, I feel under-estimated, and overlooked by Women my own age, but I just keep it movin'. There are always alternatives to situations, they may not always be good, but it's still better than having no choice at all. Just stay strong, and keep your head up.

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Permalink Reply by Tiffany on October 1, 2010 at 4:50pm

.. I know it seems hard right now, but you have to go out and find what makes you happy, even if your setting out alone. Using less vague terms, go out there volunteer, join a social club, take a class, do whatever it is you have to to get yourself out there and involved with people. Eventually, you'll meet people you click with, people are drawn to others who have qualities they like to see in themselves, and they feel they have things in common with, but the only way for them to be interested is for you to open yourself up more. It seems your a little closed off from everyone, from fear of maybe being rejected. It can be hard to meet new people, and seems tempting to fall back to your safety net of close friends or significant others, but you have to take some risks if you want to open your social circle up. First, and foremost you need confidence in yourself to pull it off..

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Permalink Reply by Rosenda on October 1, 2010 at 5:44pm

I just read up there what you wrote, Tiffany. That is really good and right on point. Even I can learn from reading that and taking on those suggestions on going forward and opening up your life and to new people. Thanks for writing that.

One should never feel you have to "prove your coolness". Zarinah, just be yourself, follow your heart in what moves you and interests you, and that is cool enough!

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Permalink Reply by Arianna Garcia on June 1, 2011 at 7:27pm

I definitely can feel where you're coming from. For the longest time I felt the same way, as if I wasn't being accepted by people because I was a black girl, but then I'd see other black girls hanging with the kids I wanted to hang out with and realized maybe it wasn't my skin color, but just me. Looking back now I realize that I wasn't the dumb, air- head, who wanted to hang out and party all the time. I was a really smart, shy, quiet, yet fun at times girl who would tell someone to " fuck off" in a minute. Maybe it was my attitude or the fact that I was just a different person than those kids and my personality just didn't fit well with theirs. It definitely took a few strong minded, independent people to get through to me and be my friends. Most of who I still talk to today, granted it's merely a handful, but those people stuck around for the long run, most noticeably my boyfriend of a month and a half who I've been in love with for the past 6 years and who I found out has been in love with me as well and also my best friend of 3 years who has desperately helped me out so much along the way. So maybe you're not meant to be a hipster or one of those scene people who hangs just for the hell of it. There's definitely something more planned for your life as far as friends and close relationships go. So just be patient and really seek out those who entice you mentally and not just physically.

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Permalink Reply by Drew on June 6, 2011 at 5:54pm

any group that expects you to "prove your coolness" isn't a group of friends, so much as a clan of social slaves of category who wear one another as accessories. your friends shouldn't base your worth on your looks or what you wear (contrary to what some people on this board will hoist as noble truth), much less the color of your skin. anyone who tries to tell you as such isn't worth the time or invested energy of friendship to begin with, trust me. we all feel socially awkward and invisible at times, and you are by no means alone in feeling a little depressed because of it. i do think however, that a lot of your problem stems from the person you're currently with. if i read your post correctly, and the person you've been with for the last five years makes you that unhappy, perhaps you should take steps to get away from this person so that you can garner a sense of independence and freedom from the obligations of being in a relationshit.

it vexes me why people choose to stay in dysfunctional relationships when they obviously know things aren't working, carrying this highly delusional belief that they can "change one another". its beyond obtuse. but yeah, i think that's stage one sweetie. get out the unhealthy relationship first, then just start trying to make new ones. don't be afraid to strike up conversation with people around your neighborhood, and don't subject yourself to one social click. you'd be surprised who you meet at a book store, a coffee shop, on the bus, or just chilling at the park.

hang in there sweetie, being human and making genuine bonds with others is by no means any easy task. if it were, the world would be an infinitly more shallow place than it already is. LoL

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Permalink Reply by princeshepard on June 28, 2011 at 12:31am

Going through the same thing myself!

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Permalink Reply by archetypal on July 10, 2011 at 12:02pm

I've been feeling pretty secluded myself lately. Kind of makes me wish I hadn't moved back to RVA. I thought I had plenty of friends here to hang with, but ever since I lost my means of transportation, those friends have become quite scarce.

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Permalink Reply by Keis Wa on July 10, 2011 at 1:45pm

Well my advice is to find some stuff that u like and explore it. Maybe explore ur painting/drawing side. Poetry jams open mic and vent. U gotta try and not be lame trying to fit in. Ur too old to be stressing bout fittin in. U need to get out more. Shyte the
hipster scene could be a misinterpretation cuz hipsters don't admit their hipsters

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Permalink Reply by K on August 7, 2011 at 8:49pm

You shouldn't have to 'prove your coolness' just be yourself. Listen more than talk and compliment people and smile smile smile. Everyone does not have to like you. Just focus on the people who are nice to you. Get to know them better and if you guys like each other, exchange contact info and call. You will make friends in no time.