... the other Black experience
So a big problem for me in the dating world has been finding someone who shares my musical tastes. A common thread I've found, reading blogs and message posts on Afro punk.com, is feeling somewhat rejected by the larger black community because of being viewed as not black enough, or trying to be white.
Consequently, I've dated outside my race quite a bit. Now, I think the most important thing is being in a loving, sharing relationship with someone that you have a lot of common ground with, regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation.
That said, it recently occurred to me that a lot of the non-black women I've dated were still somewhat critical of musical tastes. Part of it might be having preconceived notions of what a black person's tastes in art, music, literature, and films, but it seems like someone who's interested in dating a black person, wants someone who fits into their definition of black.
It has me wondering, lately. Not that race should be the deciding factor in who I date, but if I'm gonna catch shit for my tastes, no matter who date, why bother fucking with someone who's not black.
Just so it's clear, I'm not laying out a manifesto. I'm not even saying this is a plan of action I'm gonna stick with. I just want to reach out to the community at large and ask if this thought process is… "Duh, been there, done that." or "Oh Snap! I never looked at it that way before."
Let's say, I'm in a transitional phase and looking for fresh perspectives on dating and culture. What you got?
Permalink Reply by Compound Egret on Taste in music is not the biggest thing in the world as long the other person can respect your choices and give you space on it. I have met plenty of women who are not Black who hate the more extreme tunes I like. I've also met women of many races who are "not into" music. It's just a background soundtrack to their commute and they don't have a favorite album or musician. I think that is stranger than any specific musical taste.
I guess the soccer analogy works great for me. If I was dating a woman that I really got along with etc. etc. who was a huge soccer fan, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. I would just go in the other room when "the pitch" was on. She could do the same if she didn't want to listen to Testament for the umpteenth time. Good luck.
Permalink Reply by Gerimi Burleigh on You make a very good point. Musical taste should not be the biggest thing in the world if the other person can respect your choices.
That's a big IF, that has been nonexistent in most of my relationships. These days, I've learned to just put on whatever music I have, that I know is in their wheelhouse. I don't want to drive my musical tastes down someone else's, throat, that said, if i'm in a serious relationship, I'm probably going to spend a large amount of time with that woman and eventually, I'm gonna be in the mood for some heavy shit. Like one of those moods where I NEED some heavy shit.
And generally, most of the women I've dated will make negative and condescending remarks about my musical tastes. If I try to put on some headphones and do my own thing, they're like "Why are you withdrawing from me? I want to spend time with you."
I end up in an argument, or just listen to whatever they want, even if I'm not in the mood for it. It seems like such a little thing, but having people attack you for your personal tastes feels like a rejection of who I am. If things about my tastes bother them so much, then why are they with me in the first place?
What I really need to do is be with someone who is more respectful of my personal tastes/choices, even when they don't align with theirs. Somehow, that has proven to be easier said, than done.
Compound Egret said:
Taste in music is not the biggest thing in the world as long the other person can respect your choices and give you space on it. I have met plenty of women who are not Black who hate the more extreme tunes I like. I've also met women of many races who are "not into" music. It's just a background soundtrack to their commute and they don't have a favorite album or musician. I think that is stranger than any specific musical taste.
I guess the soccer analogy works great for me. If I was dating a woman that I really got along with etc. etc. who was a huge soccer fan, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. I would just go in the other room when "the pitch" was on. She could do the same if she didn't want to listen to Testament for the umpteenth time. Good luck.
Permalink Reply by Rosenda on Good point and well put, Compound. I realized that if I don't meet someone who likes what I enjoy musically and culturewise, I want to at least meet someone who likes me anyway and is open minded of our differences is flexible enough to roll along with them, as I would try to do. That being said, one must have at least a few commonalities of things you both like. Some things that you CAN both share joy in. Whatever it may be. Gerimi B that can be tough, catching crap from someone about what you enjoy in literature music and whatnot. I think that says more about the other person's narrowmindedness in general. Do you want someone in lockstep with everything you are or are you flexible about some subjects? I certainly am but I've met folks who are not. You know the sort (be they white or black or otherwise): they meet you at one particular scene and think that's all you are about. But the second you mention you also like something contrary to their "scene", like Qawwali music when they met you at a house music club, and then they scrunch up their face at you and make a bad comment. You and all of us here probably want to develope a connection (friendships and dating both) with people who appreciate what you are for real, not some fantasy image they get angry about when your reality day to day shows them that you are bigger than the definition they think you are.
Wow that hit a nerve. Hope my opinions were thought provoking anyway.
I hear ya on dating outside the black realm. But if that doesnt work, one must start looking and observing people behavior with you more than their "scene" trappings, if you know what I mean. Best of luck, everybody!
Permalink Reply by Gerimi Burleigh on I definitely agree about emphasizing the things you DO have in common, in relationships.
Personally, I don't want someone who's lockstep with my tastes/mindset. Interacting with people how have differing POVs/Tastes, is how I learn and grow. I enjoy seeing the world through different people's eyes.
The unpleasant side is when the other person appreciates what you share, but derides the things you do not. I'm wondering if it's a history of poor choices on my part or whether a lot of people experience that frequently?
Thanks for jumping in
Rosenda said:
Good point and well put, Compound. I realized that if I don't meet someone who likes what I enjoy musically and culturewise, I want to at least meet someone who likes me anyway and is open minded of our differences is flexible enough to roll along with them, as I would try to do. That being said, one must have at least a few commonalities of things you both like. Some things that you CAN both share joy in. Whatever it may be. Gerimi B that can be tough, catching crap from someone about what you enjoy in literature music and whatnot. I think that says more about the other person's narrowmindedness in general. Do you want someone in lockstep with everything you are or are you flexible about some subjects? I certainly am but I've met folks who are not. You know the sort (be they white or black or otherwise): they meet you at one particular scene and think that's all you are about. But the second you mention you also like something contrary to their "scene", like Qawwali music when they met you at a house music club, and then they scrunch up their face at you and make a bad comment. You and all of us here probably want to develope a connection (friendships and dating both) with people who appreciate what you are for real, not some fantasy image they get angry about when your reality day to day shows them that you are bigger than the definition they think you are.
Wow that hit a nerve. Hope my opinions were thought provoking anyway.
I hear ya on dating outside the black realm. But if that doesnt work, one must start looking and observing people behavior with you more than their "scene" trappings, if you know what I mean. Best of luck, everybody!
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