I have actually hit that moment, the one I never thought would happen to me, but my mom kept promising would come.
I have finally realized that the world is really, incredibly racist.
I never noticed before a few months ago. Yes, I knew that it was still out there and very strong, but I didn't KNOW. I could never pick up on the little things that are constantly said and done, or they way black is almost never associated, whether in the media or in conversation, with something positive. I don't necessarily see this in the same way that the majority of black people do, either. I am still the same kid who actually does have an issue with Idris Elba playing a Nordic god. (I don't give a damn that the character is from a comic book. He is clearly based on a Nordic religion and is a Nordic god. I am pretty damn sure that his followers were not picturing a big black man when they worshiped him. Just sayin') Its just that, for the first time, I realize how fucked up the world is. Maybe I have been living in a light-skinned fog this entire time, but this feels like a punch in the gut. To really be aware of how bad it is, is a bit shocking. (To put into perspective how light I am, when I was in kindergarten, my teacher successfully convinced me that I was white and my mom was black. She also got me to believe that my mom was not my mom and was really my nanny. Mommy got a whole year of free school for that one.) Even stranger, I am picking up on it not because it is directed towards me. I have always been able to tell when someone is being racist to me, its the reactions to other black people, or people of color period, that I am now noticing. It angers me, and frustrates me, and makes me feel like fighting, but I am so new to this that I have no idea what to do with those emotions. And its not like I can go into the black community and 'spread the word' because no one listens to me; I don't speak the same language, which somewhat leads to why I am posting this here.
Most of the people I (use to) feel the most comfortable around are the same people most likely to say something way out of line and not even see how rude it was. So,I have a question for for the older rockers here: now what the fuck do I do?
I have always found solace from the trash that was spewed at me by black kids and adults who found my interests to be misguided, in white communities. Now, I feel uncomfortable going into those same groups because it is so obvious to me that I am nothing more than a shiny new toy to them. Add that to my natural social awkwardness, lack of compromise and general loner attitude, and I think I am slowly becoming a hermit.
A little insight, please? I really don't want to live in the woods...
Yes. I explained it in the original message.
There are things said that just didn't bother me. Now they do. I didn't/couldn't pick up on the attitudes behind them so they didn't come off racist to me.
Darkness Unlimited* said:
You're JUST NOW GETTING that this world is incredibly racist, WHAT?! This just hit you? I'm i missing something here?
Nothing in particular happened. It all just kind of clicked.
Plus, of all the animosity I have experienced, that from black people has by far been the worst, emotionally. Kind of hard to pick up on a general lack of trust towards a specific group of people, when you don't trust them either...
Subliminal Minded said:
what exactly happened?
All I can suggest to you is...... keep living. You're only 20. There are Black people that feel the same way you do.
Be cautious, but also be open to making new friends.
Maybe (unbeknownst to you) your life is just naturally filtering out the "rotten" people.
a "weeding out" process (if you will).
And this is coming from somebody who had NO friends in high school, and very few "true" friends in college.
Right now,... I can honestly say that I don't have more Black friends than friends of other ethnicities.
Its equal. And even still, I can count my friends on one hand. Just 1 hand.
I don't trust people easily. (Been burned in the past)
But I've learned: just enjoying yourself will attract people that see things close to how you do.
'Like who likes you.' The wool was pulled from out my eyes when I went to college. I grew up in a white area and was the same as you. But as you get older and realize all the BS and inherent racism in white society, it might cause one to hate all of them. But not all of them are racist, but most of them are, but they like to pretend that they are not.
It is a sad realization, but once you know, you can't un-know.
Just associate with people who like you for who you are and don't bother with backward idiots. Anyone I notice who says or thinks racist things, I just cut them out of my life without a look back. You know the Bible says that a true friend is a treasure. Not something that is easily found and I believe that. Chose your friends, don't let them choose you.
There are still good and honest people of all colors out there, it is just harder to find them.
I hope this helps.