I suppose I identify as an alternative queer black woman. Or just a lesbian. I am currently in a very steady relationship with the woman of my dreams.. or so it seems. Through our dating and getting to know each other throughout the year we have been together it has recently transpired that my lady does not see herself as.. well, a lady. She identifies as a man and has been fighting with the option to have top surgery (removal of her breasts for those who may be unfamiliar). Subsequent to her having appointments to discuss this, she has decided against it which phases me not even slightly as I would be willing to support her choices either way.
I guess my question or thought that I want to put out there is first of all, does anyone have experience with transgendered dating and also, above and be all the whole 'loving someone solely for them' business, what becomes of the relationship when you both see each other via very different perspectives? I see myself in a lesbian relationship and she sees herself in a straight one. She has a very hard time dealing with her gender issues on occasions which means I have to (willingly) deal with some bizarre and confronting issues that I suppose I would never be able to truly understand: to her, thats just what girlfriends do because in her mind, she's just a normal guy who's having a bad day when in my eyes and to most people out there, she's a troubled soul who needs a lot of support. I just think about our future because when problems do arise, she feels that they are totally normal and adequate but they are not.. but it also bares the notion that one persons problem is only as problematic as one person sees it to be so, in effect, who am I to suggest that her outlandish behaviours are nothing more than just her normal response to everyday life?
Im rambling slightly but if anyone has anything to say on the matter with regards to transgendered dating, your comments would be read with great respect and interest.
It seems hard enough to already be in a relationship where society labels the love that you share with someone. For you to be in an relationship where you and the person you love have differant perceptions of the roles you have must be frustrating. I'm frustrated for you! I have no experience with transgender dating but, I will say I myself have been in a relationship where I constantly had to fight physically, mentally, verbally for respect. I was told that I should stay in my lane and being a woman was defined for me by a man. I had to choose my words very carefully because I was afraid I wouldn't be taken seriously if and when I had something of importance to say. It took me years to realized that I wasn't a disrespectful woman, I wasn't non supportive and I wasn't needy. I wanted respect, I wanted to be a team you know to stand by his side as his equal. I wanted his affection... I wasn't just using my vagina to conquer all of our problems. This is what I had to deal with on a daily basis. That was his thinking and thank god I realized that It wasn't that I wasn't woman enough for him it's that I was too much of a woman and he wasn't man enough for me. His manhood just couldn't handle all of the woman I was and am. I say all of this to tell you, you know who you are by now I'm guessing if you havn't figured that out already then during the course of this relationship you'll find out exactly what you can and can't deal with. Being a friend to your partner is the best person you can be until you decide what you really want to be to her or who she will allow you to be to her.
I am new to this site but I ran across this thread and after some thought it hit me-I had to log back in and make this comment. First, I want to thank you for your question and insight. Secondly, you expressed your concern in such a way as to explain an "attitude" or "loophole" men use on transgender women and transgender women in turn reciprocate by playing their own game.
Your question was personal and dealt with lesbianism and your partner seeing herself as a male and not a female.
That dynamic aspect is not actually "openly acknowledged in the MtF spectrum with men who date and engage in sex with them". Which is why I am thanking you for shedding some light on an aspect which has been not addressed honestly in the "MtF" spectrum/community. Where you are being honest and your man (in your eyes your partner is a woman) an she is also being honest with you, you have that communication, that doesn't happen in the "MtF" community a lot of times with cis-gender men and trans-women. You see they tend to lie to one another for the sake of mental peace. It's damaging to the community and it is so prevalent it's sickening.
You openly state your case, however in the MtF community a transwoman desires to be respected as cis-gender woman and an actual cis-gender male wants to be respected and viewed as a heterosexual male, only that does not happen a lot of times and that dynamic is buried under lies and other untrue statements, it gets really ridiculous. I am not saying it happens "x" amount of the time, what I am saying is it happens often enough that its damaging to the transgender community. I don't really have a solution to the problem but I now have a better way of expressing myself when I am confronted with the situation again.
Again, Thank you.