Coming Out, Being Out, or Deciding Not to Be...

What's up, you nasty black creatures of sin.
Let's start talking about something on here. Wanna?

Got into a DEEP discussion with some friends of mine (all black, all queer) about the politics of coming out. One of my friends was talking about how her little sister (who IDs as bisexual) finds power in being queer on the DL and choosing carefully where, when and with whom she decides to be out. She doesn't see what the big deal is about being out all the time and also feels that white people within LGBTQ communities have dominated the discussion on out-ness and have promoted the idea that being out = being liberated. I was wondering what you all think about this. How out are you? Do you find power in not being out in certain spaces? Or do you feel that in spaces where you aren't out, you feel like you're having to keep your sexuality a secret, and this is oppressive to you?

I am out to all of my family and friends but I am not out at work. I am a substitute teacher and, even though I have had a child come up to me and tell me that she is gay, I didn't feel at liberty to share my sexuality with her because I thought I could get in trouble. I did tell her that it was totally fine to be gay, though, and that made us both feel pretty good. I personally feel like not being out makes me feel like I am hiding away a part of my identity that I really am proud of because I'm scared of what the reaction might be. When I worked at a black coffee shop in Portland, there were a lot of Black Muslims that would come in there and the general vibe of the stores was subtly homophobic. I wasn't out in that space either because I didn't feel safe.

Please share your stories!

Tags: being out, black queers, coming out, downlow

0 members like this

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by DanielaInfinity on March 22, 2010 at 3:53am

Hi Osa,

Thanks for posting this.

My "outness" has changed over time.

Between 13 - 18, I kept my attraction to women a secret. Only a very small amount people knew anything about me.
My boyfriend at 17 was the first person I was every really up front with about the whole thing and he supported me.

Between 19 - 22, I was very "out" in part because I was figuring out who I was and felt like I had to overcompensate and "fight" against my family, critical friends and the world. I am Chicana and several family members had a very hard time with it and there was a lot of religious guilt, the whole nine yards. I flaunted my relationships, didn't care what people saw or thought. I would dress feminine one day and then very androg the next. The only place I was closeted was at work.
I have always (and continue to) keep my relationship status and details private from most of my colleagues.

Between 23 - now, I moved to NYC and have been fairly closeted. It's not something I do consciously, but I don't
put any queer related info on my social networking profiles or on my own web site. I don't care if people find out but I'm not advertising. I continue to keep my relationship info private at work.

Do you find power in not being out in certain spaces?
When I moved to NYC I didn't have any family, friends or contacts on the East Coast except for one, my BFF who I met on LJ. I was very guarded in all respects, so that also included my sexuality. Since I was a "newbie" I didn't want to be defined by my sexuality. I still don't. The people who know me know my dating history. I don't consider myself a lesbian but I do self identify as queer. I have had relationships with men and women and am more attracted to women. I think that if you know me, you also know this, and if you don't, that's ok too.

Like you, I also work with young people and I don't think it's appropriate for my colleagues in that space to know anything about me, but if they found out I wouldn't care.

I think that because I have experienced different levels of "outness" over the years (extremely out/extremely closeted) I have reached a place where it's just a need-to-know basis.

I do find power not being out in certain spaces. An example of this would be in my earlier years in NYC. I was broke and struggling to find work. I was choosing between eating and money for the subway. Men would ask me out to lunch or dinner and if I thought they were nice/interesting, I would go. Truthfully, it was mostly because I was hungry and I would miss things like salmon and fresh veggies. During our time together I wouldn't disclose anything about my sexuality. After the meal, I usually never spoke to them again.I don't think I hurt anyone doing this because we both had a pleasant meal and conversation.

When I used to do a lot of freelance work as a night shift assistant editor, I mostly worked with men. On the nights that I felt really tired and didn't feel safe walking to the subway alone, one of them would escort me. I never told him I was
queer because I suspected he liked me and wanted him to continue walking me to the subway. He may have done it anyway even knowing, but I didn't see the point in disclosing. Again, no one was hurt and I lived to tell the tale. :)

Permalink Reply by CurvyDivaJC on March 22, 2010 at 9:19am

I am bisexual...so being "out" I feel is different for me. Currently, I am in a heterosexual relationship and my boyfriend knows that I am bi. Yes, I have told some of my friends and family...but as for acquaintances and strangers, I am not sprinkling glitter and waving rainbow flags. I do participate in the gay community and campus events in my area so I am not hiding per se. I am working toward finding my true self at this point. It's taken a while to get comfortable in my own skin. If anyone ask me my sexual preference then I let them know of my bisexuality. The one hurdle that is hard for me is my religious family...everything is sinful and hell has a special place for homosexuals...because of that I don't really open up about ANY of my personal business to that area of the family. I have grown up in religion all my life and every now and again I still get the Bible guilt trip...so much so I had to seek therapy.

I will say that black people are the most homophobic people I have ever met in my life. And what is so funny those same homophobic people are some of the ones that have questions on their own sexuality.

Permalink Reply by Caz Prescott on March 24, 2010 at 7:54pm

Here's something I read in this months (March 2010) issue of Out magazine. It's from Guillermo Diaz (Half Baked, Chappelle's Show, Stonewall, Party Girl, Cop Out, Weeds):

Diaz has been out his entire career, and the actor has never second-guessed his decision. "I never even thought about it,: he recalls. "I was like, I'm just going to in' act. And it's never been an issue. I've worked constantly." But his early managers objected. "After I did Stonewall, I was doing all this gay press. My managers wanted to put a halt on me being out," he says. "I just don't have the patience for that shit. It seems like so much in' work to keep lying. I remember them saying, 'We need to build up your body count.' They wanted me to kill more people on film. I was like, 'You guys would rather I kill more people on film thatn tell people I'm gay?' Needless to say, I'm not with them anymore."

Permalink Reply by Sweetmiz on August 13, 2010 at 6:41pm

My parents are the exact same way. It's so frustrating.

Madamoiselle De Sade said:

My family is very old school southern, baptist church and when I came out they sent me to a preacher and had them drip holy water on me.
I can't be out there, they just ignore it. Cause it totally didn't happen and isn't happening now! :P I totally resent the whole thing.

I don't find much opportunity to be out because no one can tell I'm bi. But when I am in a pride atmosphere I feel more comfortable, tho I have been bi bashed at least 2 times.
I don't feel like walking up to people and "rainbowing out" all the time; if you see me out w/ a girl I'm not going to not hug her or hold her hand or kiss her and if the next time you see me out with a girl. ...it doesn't need to be explained. Oddly enough, if there is a girl who's let me know she's interested I pursue like a straight person would in front of other people, I don't feel like hiding it but I don't feel like waving the blue-pink-purple triangle around because men totally mistake that for something that's FOR them exclusively.

Permalink Reply by jihad.jones on September 26, 2010 at 4:25am

I'm bisexual. I'm not out to everybody. No one in my family except my sister knows. Very few close friends know. I attempted to come out to my boyfriend, but that ended disastrously (long story, save that for later). What's the big deal with letting everyone know what you do in the privacy of your bedroom, anyway? Hell, even if you are out, it's nobody else's business who you love or who you sleep with. I agree with your friend's sister, Osa. It's more liberating for me to be myself by myself than around other people. It's not that I'm totally ashamed of my sexuality; I just don't think everyone needs to know about it.

Permalink Reply by Starky Gonzalez on January 13, 2011 at 6:15am

If your a black dude from the hood, it's kind of mandatory that you not be out with everyone about it if you are concerned for your own safety. Also, it's mandatory you not come out to staunchly homophobic family members if you don't wanna get put in the hospital by them. You don't have to be the stereotypical flaming queen to get dealt with in that manner. I think of myself as just as masculine as your typical straight guy. Only my closest friends are aware of my sexuality, and of course who ever I am involved with romantically.

My thing is, if your sexuality is not important and will not benefit nor hinder anyone else, then why do people have to be out? No one's asking a straight person to wear their straightness on their sleeve. I'm not advocating being on the DL and be promiscuous. I'm just saying, disclose the information when it's really necessary. Like when you're with somebody romantically or something, and you know it could impact the relationship, then let them know. More power to whoever is out and proud. That's cool. But, you shouldn"t have to tell people you are a queer every five minutes. It's not that serious. I mean, as long as you're not hurting anyone...

Permalink Reply by Pixel on January 15, 2011 at 1:36pm

i understand both sides of the coin while i am totaly out about as much as rainbow oven mits lol a good friend of mine that was bi was very closeted only close friends knew i just think it's by the situation honestly now that i'm older i'm very out but if i don't say anything people wont know lol wich kind of makes me mad because some friends will actually forget that i'm a lesbian idk how that happens but yea

Permalink Reply by Audrey Johnson on August 23, 2011 at 11:20am

I don't really feel the need to be out, because sometimes it causes more harm than good. I don't need to shout everywhere that I'm bi, unless someone asks me my orientation.

Permalink Reply by fortROX on October 11, 2011 at 3:45pm