Over 30, single and afropunk.

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Afrotechnica on March 17, 2009 at 11:06am

Marriage is for the birds. Done it twice both were disappointments. In the first one, we were really compatible. Loved CLub 688 and Metroplex in the Atlanta punk scene. We had a ball for three years. That's usaully the window when married stop having sex with their husbands :(
Why is that?
What's up with y'all?

Permalink Reply by lyfenlyn on March 17, 2009 at 2:18pm

I have always struggled when it came to dating so not doing it now isn't a big shocker. I am in the most joyless suburban wasteland ever right now, so I find it hard to just happen crossed men that capture my imagination on a day to day.

I think I have been trying to take a proactive approach but with dismal results, but at least I can say I am trying. My gay friends are about 50/ 50. Some are in relationships and most are not. I have more friends with kids than married or partnered so I don't stick out like a sore thumb or anything.

I think marriage would be awesome with the right man.

Permalink Reply by Boombats on March 17, 2009 at 4:15pm

Hey I'm stuck in Florida right now, let's get married for a day!

Permalink Reply by Rosenda on March 18, 2009 at 12:24am

I was married once but although i was 29 already i was very immature. My husband was a great guy but he had a substance abuse problem and was not able to take it serious enough to get professional help. I think although we were happy at first and had love for each other, we had no business being married with those serious issues that we each should have dealt with ourselves before trying to get together with each other.

I don't regret it at all I learned a lot and because of the good and bad times with him and because of his encouragement of my own creativeness and the unconditional acceptance of me from all his friends I totally became a more confident and stronger person. I am thankful for that. But I still had my own growing up to beyond that and I guess I had to do that alone.

I'd love to be married again someday but not in and of itself. I love my boyfriend and he's a wonderful man and he has changed my life for the excellent better in many many many many ways. If we marry it would have to be because he wanted to be with me living with me the rest of our lives. If he does not ever want that I'm fine with us being together every weekend like we are now and we also spend time during the week sometimes too.

I guess I don't want marriage bad enough to have it no matter who it's with or just because, I'd have to mutually be with someone who'd want it as bad as I did. Not sure if I'm ever going to think that way, what I've wanted most in life is to be loved just as I am and to be encouraged to do what I want in life and to better myself in every way and to have a wonderful sex life and to have wonderful affection with a man who is really mine and want's to be with me. And I have that with Shariyar.

Marriage is good if you both want it and if you are both independent enough to support each others' personal goals too.
It is as much a loving decision as a practical one, and I for sure learned that with my former marriage.

Lyfen I think having a relationship over 30 can be good or bad depending on if both people are too set in their ways and incompatible in some way. Cause you aren't gonna be as patient as you are when youre in your teens, ya know? When we were young we probably put up with some stupid shit when dating just cause we didnt know what we wanted or was good for us and we didnt know enough how to speak our minds about what we wanted. But can you say that now? Your tolerance level surely has changed just as mine has from when we were younger.

And your tastes in life have changed too. Now dating when over 30, if you get with some bullshit you might be more likely to cut it out or nip it in the bud and say goodbye, and if both of you are really true to yourselves and know what you want and are compatible, then it's good cause you both are old enough you just want to cut to chase and say and get what you want. You know what I mean? You'll have an easier time stating your ultimate intentions with relationships in general and what you want with your man or woman than when we were younger. You agree with that, Lyfenlyn?

It can also be harder dating/relationships because numberswise.........we ain't gonna go out with just ANYBODY.
I mean really I was so happy ANYBODY asked me out when I was 19 or 20 that I didnt think before going out on some date my friends fixed me up with. What the hell we were both young, what the hell did we know? We were not thinking "forever" we were thinking "fun". Now that we are past 30, do we still think that way? No I don't think we do. We do think "forever" because that is what we want and we have an idea of who is good for us or not.

And yes I think we probably do struggle more than our mainstream counterparts, Lyfen. Really we always have.
I mean Buffy and Jody Blonde Hair With Freckles at the beach and Traditional Sista with gold doorknocker earrings and Jordache jeans did NOT have to deal with some guys telling them "ew, why do you dress like that? ew, why do you listen to that shit? black people don't do that! what's wrong with you?" Do they? No. And we did have to deal with those attitudes as "alternative/offbeat" Black men and women. That shit was painful and some of us still hurt from that.

In relation to my Afropunkness....the jury is still out there on that one. See, I used to have the "dream man" idea in the back of my head. But the times I was actually with a couple guys like that, the artsy type all day long, it really did not work out (one of them was exspouse). So my dream man is more reality man, what I know is good for me to keep me happy in basic ways really now I know has nothing to do with that dream man type.

In relation to my Afropunkness........I am who I am and that will never change. I like what I like I do what I do when fun calls me. If my man is cool with that and me going to loud music shows that make me happy I"m glad and if he want's to join me that's good. I guess finding an Afropunky dude who can sing all the words to every Elvis Costello song on his first 8 albums with me is not a priority. A dude who loves me like I am and appreciates all of me is. He might be a mod and he might not be, you see? My man and have some tastes alike and we have some that are not. The thing is we SO enjoy each other's company.

Which tells me what I NEED is not what I used to need. :)

Permalink Reply by XiaMin on March 18, 2009 at 5:11am

I guess finding an Afropunky dude who can sing all the words to every Elvis Costello song on his first 8 albums with me is not a priority. A dude who loves me like I am and appreciates all of me is. He might be a mod and he might not be, you see? My man and have some tastes alike and we have some that are not. The thing is we SO enjoy each other's company.

Which tells me what I NEED is not what I used to need. :)

^^^ You hit the nail on the head with this Rosenda, truly.

My best friend and I also talk about how when we were younger, having a guy with potential was so sexy and awesome...whether it be artistic (my taste) or business (hers), but now, at this age it's more about a mate who has, in some way shape or form, really anything, REALIZED that potential. I guess at 18 talking and dreaming with a guy about 'what could be' is a lot more exciting than being 34 and talking or looking back on 'what coulda been'. :/

Of course it's harder for us alt POC. Being fetishiced (sp?) and/or ostraciszed (sp?) after so is a double edged sword. On the one hand you have less tolerance for the BS. On the other hand you have less tolerance PERIOD, so there's a danger of judging new people not for themselves but by what someone 'just like you' did years ago....so we're maybe less willing to take chances.

I have an equal amount of gay and straight friends and it seems like everyone's in the same boat....some are happy, some have found love, some are still searching and some have given up, but it's not easier for one group than the other in my circle.

I'm not married but I am in a long term relationship, so technically that means I'm still single (or really still a divorcee which is a term I hate because people tend to use it as a shield, like " I'm divorced" is somehow better than " I'm single" because it implies that you were at least married at some point even though it may have only lasted a week. pfft whatever neither one of us has a ring on their finger so really who's better than who?? ) I say this because from experience most people tend to assume I've never been married and also assume I don't have any children and when me being divorced or being on the PTA comes up in conversation, after they express surprise, I notice those people seem to have a change in attitude towards me. Why? beats me. anyhoo...

I don't know how long this single thing will last. I mean how long do you have to be dating, but not married, before you're not single anymore, if ever? How many kids do you have to have with someone before you're not just their baby's momma/GF? <--- I think of this because of a construction worker killed last year and on the news they kept saying how he left behind his GF (of like 15 years) and their 4 kids. Not his wife ,obviously, but not his partner whatever either. I guess my peeve is with how generic "Girlfriend" is...middle school kids have 'girlfriends' for a week or two...20 somethings have girlfriends for a year or two....your girlfriend could also be the mother of your four kids, the woman you've lived with for 20 years or 30 years or the woman who you just met 6 weeks ago, yet all of these are totally different relationship dynamics. the term girlfriend just seems too vague to make me feel good. wtf?

I want to get married to someone with whom I have mutual love, acceptance and support, and my 'afropunkness' only matters because that's who I am and who I want to be loved and accepted for, it doesn't mean my mate has to be. I want doesn't mean it will happen though, so more than anything I just try to go with the flow. whatever happens (in this arena) happens, I can only control myself and my feelings and not those of anyone else so why bother beating my head agains a wall or worrying myself about what may or may not happen, right?

Permalink Reply by lyfenlyn on March 18, 2009 at 9:59am

Sure why not!

Boombats said:

Hey I'm stuck in Florida right now, let's get married for a day!

Permalink Reply by Afrotechnica on March 18, 2009 at 10:15am

"the right man" Who might that be?

lyfenlyn said:

I have always struggled when it came to dating so not doing it now isn't a big shocker. I am in the most joyless suburban wasteland ever right now, so I find it hard to just happen crossed men that capture my imagination on a day to day.

I think I have been trying to take a proactive approach but with dismal results, but at least I can say I am trying. My gay friends are about 50/ 50. Some are in relationships and most are not. I have more friends with kids than married or partnered so I don't stick out like a sore thumb or anything.

I think marriage would be awesome with the right man.

Permalink Reply by lyfenlyn on March 18, 2009 at 10:28am

Good points Rosenda and XiaMin

I know what you mean when people learn that I don't have kids and have never been married, their demeanor starts to change and you can see it in their eyes 'You seem normal, what's wrong with you?' I get a little annoyed, but they have been programmed to believe that a woman over a certian age that isn't at least divorced is damaged goods.

I get what you mean totally about potential when you are young. Now that you are an adult you want to date the guy who has already done it. But then in my own context I haven't 'achieved' that potential so how can I possibly expect to date or even attract some 'super successful' guy? I'm still schleprocking the same way I was 15 years ago. Nothing has changed but my hair and my weight. I struggle with this all the time. Cause I have the tastes of a grown ass woman, without the budget of one. I want to wine and dine like one, but without matching resumes how can I expect to date a guy that can date me like a grown up? I know in some segements of society it's not as taboo for a woman to make alot less than a man, but let's face it; a man pulling down 6 figures isn't looking to date someone who makes less than 2 grand a month unless she is ridiculously fine.

I met this guy last week that was also 40, and he was telling me to I have to loosen up. The context was lovey dovey kissy face crap with men I haven't even met yet. I don't believe in that shit. I HATE kisses over the phone with a PASSION. It sends me into a murderous rage if you sit there and blow kisses over the phone like Scooby Doo or ask me to do it. I hadn't even met the guy in person and he was doing this. I shut that shit down, so then I was branded with the 'uptight' label. Fuck you whatever. Turns out this bastard already HAS a girlfriend, and from what he says eventhough he seems pretty indiffrent to her, she is clearly in a long term relationship with HIM. Then people ask me why I'm single, cause men who are already in relationships contact me. It goes on and on like some slapstick black (no pun intended) comedy the men. It's making me a little paranoid lately. Like ok, I'm now over 40 and haven't been in a relationship in 15 years. What to do what to do...hmmmmmmm. What do I do start thumbing through the yellow pages looking for a listing for the 'Man Store'?

People kill me when they say stuff like 'It's the woman that decides if there is a relationship or not.' ON WHAT PLANET IS THIS?? I have always maintained that marriage wasn't the end all be all for me. I wasn't one of those girls that planned her wedding, and no woman in my family ever uttered the words 'when you get married' to me. I acutally didn't think about it till I was 33. Being in an LTR would be great with someone creative, well adjusted, sober, attractive and spiritual. I just don't meet these men. Being in Orlando has been like being in a minimum secuirty prison. You can go outside, you can play basketball and lift weights, but you are not leaving the grounds. I have to get me to a REAL city this year. Seriously. I will go slap crazy if I don't get some man attention soon.

Permalink Reply by Compound Egret on March 19, 2009 at 11:46am

I think that all the nonlinear afropunkness stuff is overblown. You can look at the members of this site and see how varied our interests are, even within a subgroup of a group. I'm not concerned if someone listens to the same music I do as long as there is some respect and some space given. My biggest thing in relationships is what is the other person bringing to the table? Do I see and feel benefits from her being around or is it a hassle that I'm putting up with so I don't feel alone? I can have a great time alone or with friends, so I need to feel some added value. She should feel the same.

Added value is not a veiled reference to sex. By the time you hit 30 you have probably met people who were great in that area but you didn't want to talk to over tomorrow's pancakes.

I don't think "mainstream" people have it easier. The divorce rate is supposedly around 50%. The divorced and separated peeps I know hit the skids for larger factors than their hobbies or musical tastes.

Permalink Reply by lyfenlyn on March 19, 2009 at 1:45pm

who knows maybe 'mainstream' people have set their expectations of the perfect marriage so high that when it doesn't happen they want out. whereas someone who didn't think they would ever be married in the first place gets hitched and the sheer surprise keeps them excited day after day so they stay happy. just a theory.


Compound Egret said:

I think that all the nonlinear afropunkness stuff is overblown. You can look at the members of this site and see how varied our interests are, even within a subgroup of a group. I'm not concerned if someone listens to the same music I do as long as there is some respect and some space given. My biggest thing in relationships is what is the other person bringing to the table? Do I see and feel benefits from her being around or is it a hassle that I'm putting up with so I don't feel alone? I can have a great time alone or with friends, so I need to feel some added value. She should feel the same.

Added value is not a veiled reference to sex. By the time you hit 30 you have probably met people who were great in that area but you didn't want to talk to over tomorrow's pancakes.

I don't think "mainstream" people have it easier. The divorce rate is supposedly around 50%. The divorced and separated peeps I know hit the skids for larger factors than their hobbies or musical tastes.

Permalink Reply by Compound Egret on March 19, 2009 at 6:46pm

lyfenlyn said:

who knows maybe 'mainstream' people have set their expectations of the perfect marriage so high that when it doesn't happen they want out. whereas someone who didn't think they would ever be married in the first place gets hitched and the sheer surprise keeps them excited day after day so they stay happy. just a theory.

Most of the splits were over drinking, drugs, cheating, the usual.

Permalink Reply by Zachary on April 22, 2009 at 5:36pm

I am 41 and recently single (alarm bells) I have no intention of getting into the whole this is my partner/ girlfriend/ sig other etc. Is it possible to just hang with people of the oposite sex and just hang. If anything happens fine but hell just to hang with no adgenda . Just had a conversation with a woman last week who took offence to the fact that I did not want a girl friend but having coffee and just chiiling is cool enough for me. She was a tad aggresive about the whole deal. Crazy. Is this a feesable existance.

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• 2
• Next ›
• Page