... the other Black experience
Permalink Reply by Da' Bladewielder on I've raised my son on my own since he was 3 yr. old (he turned 20 this past June) and I found being honest about life and our situation made raising him on my own a little easier. Honesty worked because kids are little lie detectors--somehow they can tell when somethings are not right, even when you project everything is o.k. So I developed a philosophy that it takes both of us to run the household. This philosophy worked well when I was a full-time grad student in the early '00 and we moved to a college town and it was just the two of us in a new environment.
Being a punk parent allowed me to introduce him to a variety of music, movies, cultures, museums (I've taken him to art show openings since he was in a stroller) and from these experiences he has become an extremely open minded young man.
Permalink Reply by Chantel Venessa on Hi Shanda
I've been raising my 4 year old daughter on my own since she was 10 months old. At first I hated it!! I was very angry with my ex husband for leaving us and with myself for not realising sooner (i.e. before I became pregnant) that he was being unfaithful and was planning to leave us. I was so angry I hated my life to the point that I didn’t want to be a parent - as much as I loved her. At that time I worked 10 hour days had bills piling up and I just couldn’t cope and I soon developed depression and anxiety which made caring for my daughter even more difficult. I turned to my mother for support - which was really me dropping my daughter off at hers on a Friday evening and picking her up on Sunday evening and in-between those days I went out and about drinking and trying to forget my problems - which of course only made things worse!
This went on for months until my mother said she had enough (which now I see is completely understandable) it wasnt fair of me to expect her to take care of my child while I made no effort to change my situation and my life fell more and more out of control - including my health. After a few more months of working 50 hour weeks, struggling to pay the bills, and struggling to take care of my baby without any support from my mum I went to see my GP and I thank God for this woman - she listened to me, she was so compassionate and she signposted me to our Community Mental Health Team who also listened to me and got me the support I needed to take care of my child - this included: Counselling, Medication, support from Social Services, debt advisor’s EVERYTHING they thought would help me become a better parent
Today with my daughter aged 4 I am a completely different person. My relationship with my daughter has grown and we are so tight and in love. My relationship with my mum is so strong and she helps when she can which is great - and i'm grateful. I've even made friends with other mothers in our community which has been so amazing and I am even changing careers and starting college in the autumn term
So my point is: When life becomes stressful and you feel overwhelmed with the drama it brings the best thing to do is not run from it. Do not bury your head in the sand but to embrace whatever is happening and seek help. Even if its just talking to a friend or family member and don't feel ashamed to seek professional help if ever you should need it because these people are trained to actually help!! It also really helps to make friends with other mothers whether they are loan parents or not, young or older because you can help support each other...
and most importantly: spending quality time with my daughter has really helped to develop our relationship. Even if its just a trip to the park, cinema, swimming pool - anything when its just the two of us chatting and having fun!
I really help this helps answer your question
feeling stressed out about my partner. we're together, but she must feel like a single parent sometimes because our arrangement is that she watches the kid & i work. i've been able to make some great moves careerwise in the last 2 years since pregnancy & now our daughter is 15 mos old. i think that she feels mired down in motherhood, that the dance & teaching artist world has moved on without her & the only thing thats been going right for her is our child.
i don't know what to do. she's gotten rid of all her abusive friends over the last couple years (so she's lonely). been rejected by a bunch of jobs & it's been difficult for her to get her regular teaching artist gigs lately (so she's broke & totally dependent on me). she won't seek counseling for her depression (that comes from her upbringing) which she feels ISN'T depression that & whatever she's feeling can be prayed/meditated/stretched/juiced away.
this has been a LONG time. way too long. on a bad day, she's whiny/raw/unconfident/defensive/hating & ..... fucking annoying - grrrrrrrrrr. like i said - i don't know what to do. i listen & listen & listen & it's the same stories from her childhood/adult life over & over & (it seems like) ALWAYS NEGATIVE. this must sound heartless. i'm really a caring & sensitive person - REALLY. i'm being real & i don't know what to do. female advice, please!!
Permalink Reply by Chantel Venessa on Hi DJ Ceiba
I read your message and felt a sense of familiarity to your partners feelings. I'm no doctor but I do recognise the behaviour you describe and it does sound as though she is suffering from some sort of depression maybe even post natal depression and she does need to seek professional help, but of course this cannot be forced upon her she needs to seek it when she's ready to
I wonder what type of community do you live in? Is there a central base for families to turn to? I've recently moved into a town that has a local Childrens Centre that caters to all the families living in the local community. I've found this very helpful with connecting with other mothers living in my local area thus helping me to get passed that feeling of loneliness I felt for so long.
I hear you as well, you sound extremely frustrated with the situation. You can't force your partner to receive help but you can seek help/advice that can support you with living with someone that is suffering with your partners symptoms of depression. This may give you the tools you need to gently push your lady into the right direction.
Of course every woman loves to hear that they are treasured and loved by their man. Not saying you don't tell her you love her but its important to let her know she is loved and appreciated by way of words, treats and spending time as a family.
I hope this helps
dj ceiba said:
feeling stressed out about my partner. we're together, but she must feel like a single parent sometimes because our arrangement is that she watches the kid & i work. i've been able to make some great moves careerwise in the last 2 years since pregnancy & now our daughter is 15 mos old. i think that she feels mired down in motherhood, that the dance & teaching artist world has moved on without her & the only thing thats been going right for her is our child.
i don't know what to do. she's gotten rid of all her abusive friends over the last couple years (so she's lonely). been rejected by a bunch of jobs & it's been difficult for her to get her regular teaching artist gigs lately (so she's broke & totally dependent on me). she won't seek counseling for her depression (that comes from her upbringing) which she feels ISN'T depression that & whatever she's feeling can be prayed/meditated/stretched/juiced away.
this has been a LONG time. way too long. on a bad day, she's whiny/raw/unconfident/defensive/hating & ..... fucking annoying - grrrrrrrrrr. like i said - i don't know what to do. i listen & listen & listen & it's the same stories from her childhood/adult life over & over & (it seems like) ALWAYS NEGATIVE. this must sound heartless. i'm really a caring & sensitive person - REALLY. i'm being real & i don't know what to do. female advice, please!!
Permalink Reply by Da' Bladewielder on Hey Brother...been down that road my self. As an artist, especially with a child and you feel the weight of the whole world is on your shoulders, you feel everybody's getting ahead of you (especially those without a kid). The bitterness grows and bullshit jobs taken to make ends meet just amplifies it a million times fold. All artist want to express themselves like breathing and waterfall flowing over a cliff. Stay strong and look at yourself, how you would feel if you couldn't express your inner voice. We all want to shout to the heavens--HEY LISTEN TO ME!!! Sometimes the echo is our voice, sometimes it's the voice of the heavens saying I HEAR YOU... SPEAK THE TRUTH! Find your passion and compassion then you can convey it to the ones you love and need you.
Permalink Reply by Shanda Mickens on Hey there,
Thanks for all your stories and advice. I'm actually spending lots of time with my daughter at the moment with school and job searching... the source of how i'm feeling is how her "donor" left ( he left me @ 7 months pregnant and he never even said good bye... he doesn't even deserve the title father or dad.), and the whole economy bullshit and the feeling that i'm not a good provider for her ( which I do know that it's not true but the feeling is still there from time to time) Oh sidebar: I just finished school for Medical Office Assistant and couldn't find a job in that field so i'm going back to school for Medical Assistant....
Permalink Reply by Chantel Venessa on Hey congratulations on finishing school and for going back to step up the career ladder further!
You seem like a resilient person and you will work it through those negative feelings.
All the best to you and your little girl
Shanda Mickens said:
Hey there,
Thanks for all your stories and advice. I'm actually spending lots of time with my daughter at the moment with school and job searching... the source of how i'm feeling is how her "donor" left ( he left me @ 7 months pregnant and he never even said good bye... he doesn't even deserve the title father or dad.), and the whole economy bullshit and the feeling that i'm not a good provider for her ( which I do know that it's not true but the feeling is still there from time to time) Oh sidebar: I just finished school for Medical Office Assistant and couldn't find a job in that field so i'm going back to school for Medical Assistant....
Permalink Reply by Shanda Mickens on Permalink Reply by Da' Bladewielder on Thank you :) I'm just too stubborn to give up and i'm the type of person that has to keep busy just to keep whatever sanity i have left lol.
Permalink Reply by Shanda Mickens on Thank you and yes that is true... Well I guess that I have more sanity than one would think lol :)
Permalink Reply by angie1340 on Hi, perhaps out of context, but as I cumulate, beeing teen mother and staying in school and going to university, I know what it is to be a parent and a student. Most difficult is to maintain normal social relations. All your mates calling for parties, where you can't go, are soon taking distances, and so do I rising a kid make you grow, so it's so easy to disconnect. At this time it seems end of the world, if you got some one to give you some relay it's ok, I had my mum and that's all, she was on 9to5 so it wasn't easy. Now my kids are 21 and 13, I'm enjoying complicity and being young enough to share a lot of stuff including AFP:-)
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