Words from a Mixed Girl: Dating outside of your race, get over it!

Flicking through the pages of Essence Magazines, April 2010 Issue, one thing happened to catch my eye. "The Wince," by Jill Scott. Now it wasn't I who read it but my older brother, Ryan, who happens to be mixed. Upon finishing the article, one thing my brother said was, "She's biased." Jill wants the equality that African Americans have searched for for over 400 years for that same respect and equatability as that of caucasians, yet she feels betrayed and uneasy knowing that black men are still dating white women.

Words from a Mixed Girl: Dating outside of your race, yes, get over it!

Discussion led by Arieanna Garcia

(Yes we can!)

Growing up in an interracial household, with an italian/mexican mother, and an African American father, I learned at a very young age to accept people for their skin color and judge them for their actions. My father, growing up in a time and place where racism was at it's peak, he still managed to look through the fog that was segregation, lynchings, white people hating black people for no good reason, and came out of it an African American man deciding to spend his life with a woman of porcelain complexion.

So why can't todays black woman do the same? How can looking past racism and color cause you to be a disgrace to your race? Should a black man forfeit his happiness just the prove that he is a credit to his race? Is it possible to date outside your race and still be considered a strong, black man?

(Does having a white woman on his side devalue his masculinity?)

However if you ask todays black man why he would choose to date a woman of caucasian background his answer is simple. "Black women are high maintenance, needy, and can't spot a good brotha when they see it."

Ok, with this being said, is it true?

How does slavery play a part in the black mans decision to date a white woman? Even Jill Scott herself said that, " In our past, if a black man even looked at a white woman he would have been lynched." Does this secret yearning and curiosity for white women in the past still linger in the blood of todays black men. I believe it's seen by many, including black women that these white women are just novelties and once they are out of the system of the black man he'll return to his African queen and everything will be right in the world.

But why is it so hard to understand that maybe what a black man wants is a white woman? I know as an African American woman myself I have no problem with our "brothas" dating outside of their race.

I date outside of mine all of the time. I think it's the fact that African Americans as a people are afraid of losing their heritage. But isn't what we want in the world a more unbiased and mixed culture and community? I'm not saying it's going to happen right away, but sooner or later the facts need to be faced that black men are going to continue dating these "white women" and there's not a damn thing that's going to be done about it. You can't have the equality, black women, and the ability to keep your culture separated from others and not allowed the opportunity to mix.

(Go ahead, he won't bite...that hard)

And as far as Jill Scott is concerned, she's a mother, an artist, and an actress, among the array of other endeavors she's explored upon. I honestly think the last thing she should be giving her opinion on is the state of relationships involving black men and white women. She won her own personal battle against that. She has her perfectly, unmixed family and she's set out and made the perfect family in which in her eyes is a black man dating if not married to a black woman.

So from black woman to many others. Love who you want to love, but don't let your heritage decide for you.

Tags: Afro-punk, Arieanna, Essence, Garcia, Jill, Scott, dating, interracial, love, relationships

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Comment by miguel antonio on June 30, 2011 at 7:09pm: Im black/puerto rican. im 28 and have only really dated about twice. still, tho ive liked women of all races, ive gone thru phases. looking back, experience has taught me that looks are minimal and getting to know the person inside is where its at. common sense, i know, but other things play a role. im simplistic for one thing. i place alot of importance on things that i feel carry alot of weight, such as; values, beliefs, morals, lifestyles... etc. tho i understand the importance of food shelter, clothing, those things only serve as basics. keeping stuff clean and being on my way.

society places alot of importance on looks, and while caring for ones self is important, alot of modern day women go over board. i shy away from such. it says high maintenance alot of times. for some reason many african american women have fallen into the materialistic trap of consumerism. overly concerned about looks: hair, nails, cloths... and less concerned about things that really matter. i like fashion & style, dont get me wrong. i also dont care if a black girl chooses to have her hair permed or relaxed. ive straigthened my hair quite a bit myself. it gets expensive and i questioned my reason for doing it. all in all, i had to find more acceptance in who i am. my hair is natural curly... but i think the standard black guy ceasar fade hair cut is boring. i like to rock a fro. i like to twist and braid. my natural hair is just as cool as if it were straight. alot of black women dont find that as true tho. its like a denial of self and conforming to euro-centric standards. india arie says shes not her hair. its something to think about.

skipping ahead, being the weird, off brand, colored guy that i am, im drawn to the like. but most 'alternative black girls' dont seem to be interested in other black guys. gives me a sad feeling to get rejected cuz of race, but, even moreso when its someone of the same color. i believe to the fullest extent that black women arent all superficial and stereotypical. that they dont all JUST listen to r&b and rap radio top 40 and prefer to dress like they're going to the club friday night to get their freak on. i just rarely meet them or they just arent interested in me. then again, being imperfect, i know i have my flaws. i always figure its me anyways. but, these are just my thoughts on the matter. im open to being corrected ^_^

Comment by Beccy Savage on March 19, 2011 at 7:47pm: I'm from a "mixed household" with 90% being Caucasian. I don't care about race in general nor do anyone in my family, however I've only dated white males this far. It's not a deliberate choice, I reckon, I just happened to be attracted and emotionally invested in these particular individuals vice versa and they happened to be Caucasian. *shrugs*

I don't feel like I'm betraying anyone, nor do I see a problem with people dating any particular "race" if that's what gets them hot and bothered.

Comment by Garrison on September 8, 2010 at 1:15am: I'm Black and Chicano. Very proud to be both. Though after reading El Hajj Malik Shabazz's book I felt I could NOT, should NOT, and would NOT have a relationship with a woman outside of my heritage ever again. [[[[[I have in the past. But that's before I knew what was up.]]]] I have friends of all races, ages, genders, sexual orientations, etc etc etc.I appreciate White peoples, Asian peoples, Middle Eastern peoples culture/heritage but it doesn't mean I have to intermarry because I LOVE my own so much that I want to be able to see it in my kids and pass that down to them as a legacy. I also honestly find it infuriating when someone says "we are all the same". Yes we all bleed, eat, drink, and shit. But I have different texture of hair, different skin tone, different speech, different culture, different heritage, etc etc etc. And if everybody is the same with no more differences, where's the richness in that? And being a mixed race kid, Ive had to grow up with hearing "You're not 'Black enough'. " "You're not 'Chicano enough' " and the White kids fucking with me cause I'm "too different." Some say that's another reason to mix so everybody understands each others culture but everybody should understand and appreciate other cultures/heritages with out having to mix.

Comment by Mista Masaai on July 17, 2010 at 1:05pm: my two cents...

I understand the importance of these discussions, but its unfortunate that the same chasm that I heard some 30 years ago still exists up here.

As far as celebrity endorsement on whether dating "in" or "out" of your race...who cares...they eat and shit like the rest of us. I am a bit surprised at Ms Scott's comment, given her own background here in philly, but then again she is speaking to her own "personal" experience. She does not "live" my experience, therefore she cannot speak to it... and unless she is some kind of mystic, she cannot speak to the "collective" experience of others either.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but in the end...we all bleed red. So, lets be respectful to one another views and let people live the life they choose. More importantly, do not get hung up on the dogma of others. Make the choices and follow the path that are true to you.

Comment by KennyWho on May 27, 2010 at 9:34am: The squabbles among men are null and void. GOD created all. The act of creation is Love. We are instructed to love one another. So.. the initial existence of Love has no boundaries or parameters in which it must exist or manifest. History is your heritage. Know the differences between me you, put them aside, and coexist in a unity of love.

Comment by Tiffany on May 20, 2010 at 8:54am: I've always dated interacially. Really, it's just letting go of the socio-political commentary and cultural disparities, and allowing your natural instincts and feelings decide. Well that, and if a hot guy , regardless of what background, hits on me what am i going to do tell him no ? My mother, who is biracial, is one of those woman who feel slighted when black men date outside of their race.. This always begins a hilarious debate on hypocrisy between us. I do get pissed, when the cowards among them feel they have to justify themselves by putting down black women. There's no cause to have to explain their preferences, but why do they have to ignite every offensive stereotype imaginable against us, because of their bitterness... frankly it had nothing to do with me, until you brought me into it .... I've known black men married to white and asian women, and I supported them fully because they respected other people, despite some not agreeing with their chosen lifestyle...

The debate has gotten even more ridiculous, because now i see some black women aren't just opposed to black men dating outside their race, but even within it.. THe question of why brothers have to go for the lightest one he can find, or the mixed one.. So it's no longer just their race, but how apparent her features are within that race... Which goes to show the slippery slope as people continue to pass judgments on how others live their life, and who they choose to share it with.

Comment by Blue Flower on May 17, 2010 at 12:21am: I really liked listening to Jill Scott, went to see her live with a bunch of friends (each one of us a different race/ ethnicity, dating different races) several years back, after her show she was talking about love and how love couldn't exist between interracial couples. I felt awkward (like why spoil a great show) and I didn't agree with her opinion. I could feel my friends thinking WTF. She got a few boo's. After that I pretty much ignore whatever she has to say on that topic, since its coming from a biased point of view.

Comment by Shannon Rakai Caldwell on May 16, 2010 at 2:41pm: first guy to ever buy me a drink was a white guy...

Comment by Arianna Garcia on May 15, 2010 at 5:38pm: @LeighJ if you don't have the time, patience, or even part of your lifetime to back up what you truly believe it and your point then there really is no reason for you to be a living, human being on this earth. Our time spent here should be dedicated to living, learning, loving, and supporting. And it seems as if you lack in all of those departments, but it's ok because only the strong will be able to get their point across and cause those little sparks in the world that will change the world. I'd think that becoming a member of this strong community of african americans as well as AfroPunk supporters that'd you be more willing to defend and support your claims. But like I said. Only the strong. And @CalvinHicks you pose some very clear and useful points and what we both say flows well together in the same direction, which others just don't see.

Comment by Leigh J on May 15, 2010 at 5:09pm: @arianna garcia i'm not backed against a wall I just don't have time, patience, or a lifetime to pull you out of your ignorance. but it's ok. I understand. black women will always and forever be the bad guys. smh.