... the other Black experience

Confessions of a BLACK Dominatrix: Feelings & Bottom Line Hurt?

Part of working in the BDSM community professionally is being able to market yourself. Of course, many of our clientele are used to seeing thin, white girls with huge breasts in painted-on latex. But for the black and brown kinksters, being black and brown poses its own individual problems as far as marketing and promotion are concerned. There’s a part of me that will always be the weird girl in the big room. I was weird throughout junior high as well as high school. I was also very smart. As we all know, being very smart and being weird is just not a picnic when you are dealing with adolescent hormonal changes. But being weird has helped me in the work that I do.

Words by Mistress A.

This applies to my work in professional domination. At times I feel like the weird girl in the lunchroom when I have to advertise or market myself. I will say it is a lot easier for white women to market themselves in this world that caters to them as far as beauty standards goes. When people think of Mistresses they don’t think of women who are not white.

Being non-white works against you and for you. On one hand, you are separated from the pack of other dominatrixes. On the other hand, the more unforgiving hand, you are separated from the pack. This “pack” is the pack of whiteness as a commodity. Whiteness as beautiful and more importantly whiteness as the acceptable form of femininity and by far whiteness being seen as the most desirable form.

Truth be told, there is a lot of room in sex work but not necessarily professional BDSM. For starters, affording a Mistress is a luxury. To be able to afford someone to spank you for an hour, or to listen to your deepest and darkest fantasies for an hour is a luxury. Many clients are not too enthusiastic about paying the prices for professional Mistresses if they don’t get “relieved” at the end of their visits. However, if you are seeing a professional, you are seeing a professional. You have come to see someone who is trained at what they do.

But, I’m not a prostitute. I don’t condemn prostitution but that’s not what I do.

With the saturation of the market being as it is, with prostitutes offering “fetish friendly” services many clients don’t see the logic in paying for a professional that will not do those extracurricular activities they are seeking. And yes, it is hurting our business. We have to stay competitive and we have to be sexier.

Yet, if you are in a niche market, how can you be sexier? What can you do?

Times are hard, but my hemline is not changing. I feel the push to pander to a certain audience. A certain audience that wants me to look the way, they feel, a black dominatrix should. They want this caricature of a woman, all neck-rolling and finger-snapping, it’s part of their kink, and they want the extremity. It’s not something you see with the marketing of white Mistresses.

White Mistresses are allowed to have space for individuality; they can come in a variety. This is not true for us; however, our sales-pitch is our skin color. We have to play up the notion that all black women are of superior strength, non-emotional and definitely not possessing the same femininity of our white counterparts. It’s definitely problematic, as this forces black dominatrixes to not explore our creative sides, to push our own boundaries, to do things more determinedly by our own rules.

Despite this political veil over Fetish/BDSM, I still make myself up as the Mistress of my own dreams, desires, and fantasies. That’s my kink.

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Comment by glenda goodewright on November 24, 2013 at 5:49pm
Thank you
Comment by mistress eden on August 20, 2012 at 3:57pm

very interesting article

Comment by Monique Little on April 14, 2012 at 3:53pm

Thank you Taryn M. Yea, the more we realize this, the less frustrated we will be, and the more productive, we would be : )

Comment by taryn m on April 13, 2012 at 2:52pm

monique little. i love your comment about having your own dungeon.

i dont know if you meant for this play on words but its really awesome!

Comment by Compound Egret on April 12, 2012 at 10:58pm

You brought up some good issues, but race aside, check out some of Seth Godin's stuff on niche marketing. It might be helpful in differentiating yourself. 

Comment by Siralop D. on April 10, 2012 at 9:53pm

Interesting. Thanks for providing your perspective.

Comment by Monique Little on April 7, 2012 at 12:04pm

Lasty, I think black women need to open up there own dungeon if this is an ongoing problem. That's my whole thing, why complain about something-just create your own. That is what everyone else does because to be real with you-they don't have to let you/us in, they don't have to involve us- it is there shit, they they created for them, so create your own shit, it's real simple to me. It like me owning a home and you telling me that i have to let you move into to it, no i do not! Or i may allow you to live there but none of your friends, and you may not even get the best room in the house but it is mine so i can do what i want with it. This sit is a great example of people creating their own space, when there was a time when we where not included. Now, all races of people gravitate here-because we are the shit lol.

Comment by Monique Little on April 7, 2012 at 11:57am

For the record Mistress A. even though i quoted you in my 'essay' lol, it was not directed towards you. You seem to have a good sense of self. My statement is directed to the black women that I have personally known in my life or experience, ect. who seem to have a low sense of self worth because of this need to compete with so-called white beauty standards.

Comment by Betty Rae on April 6, 2012 at 11:27pm

Thank you for posting your insight, Mistress A. I am glad to see that despite the naked and amplified beauty/aesthetic expectations in professional BDSM, you are firmly keeping a grasp on your sense of self and your own sense of fulfillment.

Comment by Monique Little on April 6, 2012 at 4:02pm

" Whiteness as beautiful and more importantly whiteness as the acceptable form of femininity and by far whiteness being seen as the most desirable form.'' Black women are still saying this crap. White beuty is not the most excepted form of beauty and femininity, if so then so many white men would not desire Asian women and the 'geisha' appeal, nor black women's bodies be considered the most feminine of bodies, skin, ect. Not to mention we are not only hot but STAY HOTTER for many years past most races of women because we don't age and shrivel up as bad, DESPITE some of us not having the best eating habits, smoking, ect. (Just compare blacks who smoke cigarets to whites who do, you can tell when they smoke). Who's bodies is more feminine then ours? Now you see, all-of-a-sudden every other non black women has a body like ours MAGICALLY?(thank you surgery and cosmetics) They want to put on a little weight here and there and hope it falls in the right places, like our does and shit after criticizing (out of envy) us about our 'odd' figures forever? Now whites women can be think 'n' shit and be called hot (Kim Kardashian and her fake ass, the red head chick from 'Mad Men') Please! Yet people shit on Nikki Minaj, and Beyonce for there bodies, WE set the standard of femininity, I my opinion, as we do trend and make existing trends even hotter and more popular. like The supreme did, which is why they wore the most popular envied and admired, as a matter of fact all black girl groups dominated and still do, and every girl wanted to be women like them!And have THEIR feminine appeal. Some of this shit does happen in certain cases but not every case or even MOST. I think a lot of this thinking needs to be cleaned from black women's brain because a lot of us are carrying this negative attitudes about our selves, and assume everyone or most men feel the same because we've been conditioned by a bunch of hypocritical haters lol.


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