black love is great but we also need to talk about emotional abuse in our relationships

Everyone loves black love. Images of The Obamas, Jay Z & Beyonce, and Will & Jada can touch that place deep inside of us that wants companionship more than we like to admit. Yet, while many of us might love the idea of being in love, few of us have had examples of what healthy black relationships look like. It’s a well-documented fact that the same systemic racism that creates injustices that Black Lives Matter protests in the streets today is to blame for the breakdown of the black family in America. For too many of us, growing up in broken homes or witnessing an unhealthy relationship between our parents has shaped who we are in relationships. We know that physical abuse is wrong. But when the toxic levels of toughness that has been instilled in black folks by a culturally insensitive society shows up in our love lives, it’s really easy for it to turn ugly. Many of us have unknowingly been both victims and perpetrators of emotional abuse. It can happen to anyone, even the strongest of us… including me. Why? Because our people have grown to normalize some extremely toxic behavior. And the only way to overcome it and achieve the black love that so many of us desire is to recognize when we are being hurt, and equally as important, when we are hurting others.

By Nikki Lynette*, AFROPUNK contributor

CHEATING
You might not know this, but cheating is a form of domestic abuse. In fact, psychologists consider the behavior of physically violent partners and cheaters to be very similar. The lying, refusal to take responsibility for their actions, attempts to convince their partner they are crazy by “gaslighting” them into not trusting their own thoughts, and the pattern of showing remorse before ultimately disregarding their partner’s feelings is something that violent abusers and cheaters have in common. You might think having a sidepiece is harmless. Or maybe you’re an emotional cheater, who thinks that because no sex is involved it’s harmless. But after your partner finds out they have been betrayed, it causes emotional trauma that too often results in depression and lowered self-esteem. One instance of cheating doesn’t have to end a relationship if the cheater is serious about making a change and rebuilding trust. But repeated cheating is a destructive behavior that is done out of complete disregard for their partner’s feelings and needs, and it can result in extreme behaviors, such as the abused partner becoming violent. Have you seen the show “Snapped?” Hurting people hurt people.

GHOSTING
You can call it ghosting, the silent treatment, stonewalling, or “falling back.” But when you withhold intimacy or cut communication as a way to manipulate or punish your partner, it’s just plain old abandonment. People who resort to ghosting as a way of addressing problems in their relationships probably don’t realize that they are being abusive. But the whole point of ghosting in a relationship is to place the abuser in a position of control, to silence their partner’s attempts at having any power in the relationship, to avoid addressing the conflict and having to take any personal responsibility or to punish their partner for offending their ego. It’s not healthy.

MINIMIZING
One of the worst parts of my abuse was the experience of telling the love of my life “You are hurting me” and hearing him say “You are doing this to yourself.” Minimizing is when the abuser acknowledges that their partner is hurt, but they trivialize it to make it seem that their partner is blowing a situation out of proportion. Emotional abusers who minimize might say things like “You are being too sensitive” or get upset when you want to talk about your feelings. Being abused in this way can make a person question their own sanity and the validity of their emotions. It’s flat out wrong.

In an era when we get most of our dating advice via memes on Instagram, many of us think that a lot of toxic relationship habits are normal. Things like being passive aggressive instead of addressing issues directly, holding the relationship hostage by saying stuff like “If you don’t stop whining about that, I’m leaving and never coming back,” or using the giving of gifts to avoid resolving an argument are all things that we shouldn’t be doing or accepting.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE AN ABUSER
If you have read this and realized you have some habits that are emotionally abusive to your partner, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are a piece of shit. But it does mean you might need to get some help. You might not like what I am about to tell you, but I’m saying this for your own good: More than likely, you are abusive because you are insecure. Maybe you are the type who constantly needs validation from the opposite sex because deep down you feel like you don’t have anything going for you but your looks. Maybe you are a person who is obsessed with making yourself look important on social media because deep down you are disappointed in yourself for having no significant accomplishments. Or maybe you are the type who always sabotages your relationships just so that it will give you an excuse to find an even better partner, because deep down you feel that anyone who would love a piece of shit like you couldn’t possibly be a person of quality. But what you need to understand is the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Whatever happened to you that caused you to be this way was most likely not your fault. Maybe you learned it from an overprotective mom or an absentee dad, or your high school crush who broke your heart. It doesn’t matter. You need to understand that hurting people hurt people. And in order for you to stop, you might need to talk to a therapist. You might need to read a few self-help books. And I recommend you do it. Not just to improve your relationships, but to improve yourself.

IF YOU ARE BEING ABUSED
I understand that there is nothing I can tell you right now that is going to convince you to leave. I’m just some musician talking to you about what I’ve learned as a result of my own experiences, I don’t know your life. I understand what it feels like to hide your pain because you don’t want your friends and loved ones to hate your partner. I understand the inner conflict you feel every time you make excuses for why you are going to stay this time. I understand the tears, the shame, and the deep ache in your soul for the day to come when your partner will change. Maybe they will. But you need to understand that nothing will change until you change. When you stop accepting disrespect, stop settling for a half-assed relationship just to avoid the pain of letting go, stop forgiving the constant violations of your boundaries, and start to finally put yourself first, you will feel better. Don’t let abuse ruin your life. The stress of being emotionally abused can lead to you developing a psychological disorder, becoming violent, and even attempting suicide. As someone who has been in your shoes, and saw my own mother in these same shoes in my childhood, I am telling you that you deserve better. You are nobody’s doormat. You are enough. My mother leaving my dad was the only thing that led to him finally making a major change in his life. Maybe your partner will do the same. Maybe not. It doesn’t matter. Saying no to emotional abuse does not mean you have to stop loving your partner. It just means you have to start loving yourself more.

*Nikki Lynette is a rapper, singer, producer, songwriter, visual artist, blogger and on-air personality. And a goddess with real locs. Follow her on Twitter & Instagram @NikkiLynette