Black Witch: "How I became a Pagan Witch

This is my first post after the Afro-Punk festival, thank you everyone who said hi to me and recognized me! That was totally awesome! I'm very glad you guys like my writing, it's very nice to know I have support. I had a great time, it was my first Afro-Punk. I missed P.O.S. and a couple other several acts on the next day because I was too broke for an overnight stay. I do plan on going next year and being more prepared. I really had fun nonetheless! I also had delicious okonomiyaki (they don’t have those in Baltimore) but I didn't snap up a new cell charm – I am an avid collector of cell phone charms, especially when I’m outta town or at special events.

Black Witch: "How I became a Pagan Witch

Words Olivia Haynes

I hope everyone had fun at Afro-Punk like I did there! I took lots of pictures! It was nice meeting you all and putting faces to names. I really am happy to have gone and can’t wait for next year! Now, it took me a while to churn this piece out, it was harder than I thought. I haven’t had to tell my story in a while so please do bear with any possible weirdness.

What got me into Paganism? Music. P.O.D. (Payable On Death) was very instrumental to me going into a new religion – which is rather odd because they’re a fairly Christian group. When I started listening to P.O.D., it made me take a closer look at my own faith since that’s what they talked about most. They weren’t bopping me over the head with “Be Christian or your life is over,” but I did start looking more and more into Christianity until it just dawned on me finally that this wasn’t my bag. I didn’t think that Christianity was a stupid religion; it just wasn’t the religion for me. I felt it didn’t make any sense to stay in a religion I’m not happy in to appease a god. I’m supposed to be happy suffering? Erm, no. I think I could do a better job serving the divine if I were happier doing it. To be anything otherwise would just create a hateful complex that I don’t need.

When I was Christian, I never felt a thing besides depressed, angry, numb and really confused. Even then, the Christian faith seemed really foreign to me. I’ve read a decent amount of the Bible, been to church, been anointed, been saved about three times, chatted with others who were deep in the faith – I got nothing. It just didn’t fit for me and nothing was going to make that fact change. To be honest, I kinda was growing angry at God and Christ because it seemed like they never really cared for those who needed it most, just doing what they wanted to do at complete random. It just annoyed me more and more that everyone’s answer to my problems was putting my faith in some invisible guy that no one can call down, see, hear or talk to when they need him most. Whether their prayers would be answered and how much seemed the luck of the draw. I grew up quite poor and in one of the roughest parts of Baltimore so I saw a lot of faithful people but I also saw a lot of screwed over people all the same. These were people that were very much worthy of mercy, far more deserving than I ever could, still getting the shaft - what kind of faithfulness is that?

Also, during that time, my life was taking quite the spiral downward and I felt suicidal, among other very nasty feelings. I figured that if this guy in the sky hasn’t helped me then, He’s not going to help me now.

I guess all this would make me sound like I'm on the fast track to being an atheist but I don't think I ever could. I’ve always believed in the metaphysical; spirits, deities and weird happenings included. I do believe in a god (and a goddess!), I just didn't like how Christianity went about theirs. I never meshed well with the Christian religion or the Christian culture, it seemed humans were just hapless beings caught between the constant tug-o-war between God and the Devil.

One thing about Paganism that attracted me was the fact you have to take responsibility for yourself and your actions, no blaming a supernatural being such as a god or a devil driving you to do whatever it is you did. Paganism is fairly heavy on self-reliance and personal responsibility. It gives not so much of a lean on the divine – they’ll help but they won’t fix your problems for you – so there’s a better feeling of having a grasp on your own life rather than waiting for some invisible superman to come and save you from yourself or feeling helpless at the whims of a schizo god. I think that’s what I needed honestly, not to feel like I have to rely on someone upstairs for every little thing. That’s how I have seen it, another Pagan may disagree. Regardless of religion, using God as a crutch is pretty universal, and Paganism is pretty individualistic so some may use a deity often and some may not. I don’t.

As Paganism is a nature-based belief system (no, I don’t pray to trees), the face of divinity is actually up to the practitioner. That’s right, we can use the Christian pantheon just like we can use the Greek pantheon, the diverse African pantheons, Shinto pantheon, you name it, we can pray to it. The universe is a great force in itself, the many faces of divinity are what man created to better understand the world around him. Pagans see divinity as a great universal energy that is divided into a male/female duality and the different Gods and Goddesses are the various faces of that duality. I’m a total mythology nerd so it works in my favor. It’s considered good practice to pick a pantheon you best resonate with and to refrain from mixing Gods and Goddesses from different cultures - mainly in spellwork - because it could produce icky results since they don’t merge well.

I choose the Christian pantheon because it is what I am most comfortable with (remember, I didn’t like how Christianity went about working with their deity, not I didn’t like the deity itself - much. With less severe reliance on God, I felt better about Him) but I do refer to other Gods and Goddesses if the occasion calls for it like a thunder god or a goddess of mercy. I really like using the African and Shinto pantheons when I can. Or if I don’t feel like messing about with Gods, Goddesses – which I often don’t - and their rules of contact, I use spirits. I don’t pray to trees but I do believe they have a spiritual force, as does the air, fire, etc. More often than not I see myself using lower-tiered spirits such as elementals (spirits of the elements or nature) than Gods. I mostly use Gods for bigger things such as important spells or something that’s going to need a lot more power than from a sprite and those are far and few in between.

I didn’t get into Witchcraft with 100% noble means though. I actually wanted to jinx my bullies. Yep, you read correctly, I wanted to jinx my bullies. I got tired of being picked on. I used to hang out in my local library all the time and I would see the books of Witchcraft but steer totally clear of them just like everyone else until one day I simply got sick of being messed with. I was scared of course but I thought the same thought everyone else had of Witchcraft: that it was full of hexing and jinxes. I went to the Young Adult section and picked up Where to Park your Broomstick by Lauren Manoy.

I thought it would be a book that would teach me to get back at my bullies but was I definitely wrong. It told me that wasn’t what being a Witch was about, harming people as an act of revenge or being spiteful. There’s the main rule of “An’ it harm none, do what thou will” and the Rule of Three: whatever you do comes back to you threefold. Nixes jinxing right there. She employs the idea that being a Witch is about being in tune with yourself and nature, not being some wicked and self-centered little thing. Also in being a Witch, you learn diplomacy since you’re really stepping outside of the norms and reacting constantly with venom gets you nowhere. I learned to deal with my bullies in other ways and I finally found something I could believe in.

I learned that to be Pagan and a Witch is to be open-minded and not hateful. I’m not saying people never piss me off but I am saying that it would be against my beliefs to be some terrible person. I’m not learning from my situation and to be honest, I’m not exactly deserving of peace and quiet if I’m going to act as bad as the person is to me without any initial attempt of remedy. However, I’m no doormat. One thing I like about my religion is that it’s very self-involved so you’re constantly improving yourself instead of waiting for someone else in unusual clothes to direct you. They can help, but they’re not the ones pulling the weight.

Though music helped expedited me into Paganism, I always had a pull to witchcraft, even when I was a young child. Growing up I could see spirits, predict the future, mess with electronics and communicate with the weather, to name a few talents. At first I just assumed everyone could do this so that’s why it never was brought up. But then I was starting to get the feeling I wasn’t like other kids and maybe I should keep my mouth shut about this. I was raised in the usual Black Christian family so I was taught that unless you were a prophet, any supernatural stuff a person could do automatically meant they were in league with Satan, no questions asked.

Meep.

I never opened up to my family about my religion or what I can do. My mom thinks anyone who claims to be psychic as crazy or in league with the devil. I remember asking her about how she felt on psychics and it boiled down to this: She responded people like that could not possibly exist because they would be naturally evil basically. They would be hitting the lotto like mad with precognition, stealing luxury cars using telekinesis to get the keys, the world would simply look like the third X-Men movie.

Then she told me about the story of King Solomon, explaining how even if being psychic wasn’t possible, if it were, it would only be from having an allegiance with Satan. I asked about prophets and how come they weren’t bad but could do practically the same thing. I was given the ol’ story of how they were working for God so that’s why they couldn’t work with the Devil. Didn’t really make much sense then and still doesn’t now because there’s a lot of inconsistencies but I figured it would be best to simply keep all questions to myself and be scared witless for about ten years or so. For the rest of my family, it’s either they don’t know or just found out through my personal blog.
Y’see, I’m not really close to my family. Family is very important in Paganism but I’m just not close to mine. I’m way too different and my family’s not so I keep two personas about usually – one my family sees and one the world sees. Was bound to happen anyways, it doesn’t bother me that much anymore.

I am very happy to have changed my religion. It has made me a much chipper person and my life is much more fulfilling than when I was a Christian but it’s not like I don’t have any problems anymore. Firstly, life generally is rough no matter who you are. Secondly, I’m in a religion that’s none of the top three and often the scapegoat for anything crazy. We’re lumped in with the psycho killers, baby eaters (who does that?), Satanists and other folks who honestly lost their marbles a long while ago. Basically since 16 or 17 I’ve had to defend my religious views and the fact that I’m a Witch against a myriad of people from frightful nut jobs to the religiously (namely, Christian) concerned. I must say, it does leave me pretty cranky sometimes. It’s like I have to walk around with a dry erase board on some days. Then I have to explain that nooooo, I’m not a Wiccan. I’m a Witch. There’s a difference (that I covered in my first post). It does make me a bit more of a stickler but eh, there’s no way am I going to be super nice and without a bad side of any sort. I’m a nice person generally but I don’t wear halos for hats. I’m realistic, in other words.

I’ve been told that “I’m in a phase”, “I’ll be returning to Christianity”, one person even prayed right in front of me, wishing for Jesus to disturb my sleep and my waking moments until I would return to Christianity. I don’t think that’s what the Bible itself preaches but tell these people that. I have dealt with people practically dashing across the street, give backhanded complements about my faith, and try to use me as an example of what a person who has left Christianity looks like – constantly trying to depict my life in utter shambles (basically how my life looked when I was Christian) now that “I had abandoned Christ”. Jesus, what an annoyance.

I’m very happy being Pagan and I super doubt I’ll return back to Christianity but the hardest part of converting was I had to listen to myself first and forget everyone else. I learned that no matter what you do in life, let it mean something to you and you’ll have no regrets.

Alrighty then, now that I’ve shared a fair bit of my background story (outta the broom closet will have to be its own post) and am now a regular columnist, time for some mayhem! I just added a Twitter for my external blog so people can have up-to-date posting both here at Afro-Punk and there. I haven’t much of a clue of how to use it but I’m learning. It’s strictly for quick BW updates so if you wanna contact me, email or comment. If you really wanna keep up with me, go to my personal blog. Among the weekly posts will be two special monthly posts, “Ask a Witch” and “The Arts”.

“Ask a Witch” is where you can ask me whatever question you like (excluding divination of course, I’m just a columnist here – unless you have red bean mochi or okonomiyaki. Otherwise you’re gonna have to wait for special opportunities to arise), I’ll pick the three best and answer them here. You can ask anything about me, about yourself or whatever have you here in the comments, email me at thisblackwitch@hotmail.com. If you don’t want the question to be public just say so when you email me or fill out the form. I’ll try to answer all private questions as quickly as possible and within a week.

Tags: 2010, Afro-punk, black, establishment, the, witch

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Comment by Darkness Unlimited* on July 23, 2010 at 5:26pm: Right on.

Comment by Black Witch on July 20, 2010 at 1:36am: Hm, that's would be a long winded answer from me so I'ma answer that for "Ask a Witch" because it would be wall o' text here - but it is a good question!

Comment by Darkness Unlimited* on July 19, 2010 at 8:48pm: One question i would like to ask you, Olivia, is have you ever been threatened, be it physically/otherwise, or descriminated against based on your Pagan adherence? Was there ever a case where you felt you had to take legal action, seek protection, etc.? Curious...

Comment by Kymberlyn Reed on July 19, 2010 at 7:30pm: Christianity has become so warrped by the power-hungry that it bears little semblance to what, in my research, it was in its inception. Not to mention, there's a tradition that believes Joseph of Arimathea (the uncle of Jesus) went to Britain and spent time with the Druids on Glastonbury Tor. There is also a tradition that Jesus himself spent time with the Druids. Of course, don't expect your average sunday school teacher to even know about this or mention it.

I find paganism refreshing because it's not about some old guy with a beard poking around people's bedrooms, or blaming women for a snake and an apple. Most pagans I know seem to hold higher moral standards than many of the church-going people around me. Blessed Be and maybe some day your family will understand.

Comment by Darkness Unlimited* on July 18, 2010 at 5:15pm: After taking the time to read your rather witchy blog here, i must say what ALOT you've laid out here! Firstly, i can't see how any person of colour could possibly be a damned christian without exhibiting some serious self-loathing. I'm glad to see that you've come to an understanding of how self-destructive to the psyche such a judeo "mutt" religion is, & discovering something far more healthier & natural for your SELF. It's just sad to hear that you're not close to your family & it seems that you being "different" is what it comes down to... sounds familiar. YOU'D THINK blood were thicker than water & maybe it is unless it's fucking holy water. This is why i've always contended that (among many countless other things) christianity DESTROYS Black people! And who could argue with that, but a "possessed" despicable christian? But yeah, i've had to deal with ignorant 'tards myself who'd have me all kinds of twisted about things they knew jack flippin' shit about. I'm a Satanist/brazen Heathen & my [own] family was convinced i was psychotic. I was mis-diagnosed as schizophrenic. My entire [old] niebourhood & everyone at school thought i was crazy. I've been assaulted numerous times for my vocal, sometimes violent opposition to the bastard religion. I was even compared to a child molester in court once. And yeah, i've also had christians try & "pray" for me. I've even had holy water tossed on me at one ov their little anti-abortion rallies just this year. What a fucking joke, i got a good laugh out ov it atleast. So uhm, yeah, i guess you could say i've got [abit] ov a chip on my shoulder. Except that chip is more like a rocket-launcher, aimed at the nearest goddamn church - that's how i feel anyways.

I'm glad that your spiritual journey towards Paganism has brought you anew & a new found sense ov inner-strength that you never would've gotten from christendom. Even though i'm not at all "spiritual", you've got my support.

Comment by weallfail on July 18, 2010 at 4:18pm: Christianity is more complicated and paradoxical than most think. The problem is that most people view God as a personal God (that God is somehow relate-able, knowable and communicable, and interferes with human affairs). Then they get upset when all their exhortations, supplications, litanies, etc... fall on deaf ears. Or laud, extol, exalt, etc... if all their prayers are somehow answered. However, Christianity is a paradoxical duality. God is also impersonal as he is also mere an observer and does not answer prayers, or concern himself with human affairs.

Here we have the contradiction how can God (I hate this male-centric term, but I will use it for arguments sake) be personal and impersonal. How can we know the unknowable, relate to the transcendent, you get the idea. There is know easy answer or reconciliation. The best way I can put it is as follows: God is at essence impersonal. God cannot act, be moved, be called upon, and the like. However, we are God's creation; a piece of God is inside us (metaphorically of course). This is in a sense our conduit to the divine. Now we have the Trinity (The Father, Holy Spirit, Christ). Since God is impersonal we cannot know God. Instead we have these three facades, kind of putting God into fun-house mirror. These three entities reflect different aspects of God that we can relate to. The Father: one who we can beseech, ask for advice to an guidance, one who looks over us. This is like the God/Goddess aspect even though Christianity unjustifiably chooses a male connotation. The Holy Spirit: one we can call on for strength, to innervate, invigorate us; to give us the strength to move on. This is akin to the energy found everywhere in Wicca/Paganism/Witchcraft, the 5 elements, a source of energy we can draw upon and direct to evil or good ends. Then finally Jesus： the brother aspect, the human aspect, us striving to become perfected and as close to gods as possible, being god-like, etc... This is manifested in the Wiccan's Creed and the Threefold Law. The Wiccan's Creed, "do what you will, unless it harms one", is eerily similar to The Golden Rule, "do onto others as others as you'll have others do onto you." The Threefold Law, is similar to the Bible saying "evil begets evil". This is true also in Witchcraft as personal responsibility (minus the fear of repercussion). The strive to be the most perfect you. There is a innumerable more examples here.

The problem then becomes not with the essence of Christianity itself, but how it has been perverted and abused throughout the centuries by misogynists, racists, and tyrants. The Bible has contorted to reflect humanities perversions and as a result lost most of its message. It has like most holy books become outdated and in desperate need of modernization.
As for the Lucifer ("light bearer" which is funny considering Jesus is the "morning star") is merely a apotheosis (making a god) out of a Babylonian king who happened to be a tyrant which fell at the time the Bible is written. Dante's Inferno and Milton Paradise Lost popularized Satan and expanded his back story. However, he became a scapegoat (LOL) and tempter throughout the ages. We use Satan as a crutch, instead of what he was intended in the bible. Satan: an example of hubris, cause of failure (i.e. the Babylonian King), overcoming our own demons and obstacles (Jesus in the Desert), and our constant fight of our sinister actions. In Wicca and Witchcraft, Satan is the "Left-Hand Path", Baal (fertility demon of Babylonian Pantheon), our carnal desires, the part unseen, the road not taken, our primordial state.

As for King Solomon and the prophets. Solomon was a prophet, he was given power, wisdom, and all that other prophety stuff from God. However, Solomon squandered his prophet abilities which brought the eventual downfall to his kingdom. Then they are good prophets like Buddha or Jesus or Muhammad. Basically prophets can turn towards good or evil, just like a gift can be turn towards good or evil. You might say King Solomon was not doing God's will, but the Devil's. And you'd be right, however, neither was the other prophets.

This brings me another of Christianity's contradictions. God's will vs. Free will. Free will wins! Even the angels have free will. Lucifer is an example of this. If we only had God’s will the world would be a boring place, human existence will have no meaning, and we’d probably be better off dead.

Let me make a few things clear:
1. This is much as a discourse on Christianity, Paganism, Wicca, and Witchcraft as an attempt to help Olivia answer some questions she posed and give people something to think about.
2. I am equating Wicca, Witchcraft and Paganism to Christianity. Most religions are in fact very similar. They only disagree on the details.
3. I am not however calling all of them exactly the same. I am not also calling Wicca, Witchcraft, and Paganism the same. These three religions have their distinctions and I have done my best to address them.
I am sorry for rambling for so long do not wish to detract any further from this blog. I’ll be happy to answer any questions and entertain any discussions.

Comment by SDMF Dallas on July 18, 2010 at 2:00am: hey if you lik POD then ul luv demon hunter get their cd storm the gates of hell. but iv learned in life as a christian that you can lead a person to the door but you cant make them go throu it. God will only judge us by wat we know and do. even i have a few futur site predictions but i pray for my archangle to watch over me. and yes i even believe in spirets and things that shuld not be. but i also believe in free will and power. so go on be wat you will. Jesus still luvs you no matter wat whetter you believe in him or not. may faith be your strongest shield in life thats one no can take from you. live life stronger than death im christian and a outcast but dont count me out-POD

Comment by Black Witch on July 17, 2010 at 9:34pm: Oh I'm a biiiiiig POD fan, I've worked with their promotion crew for almost ten years and made very good friends that are like family for me. They've learned to accept that one of their more higher ranked crew members are Pagan and we've gotten along since and I still have utmost respect from them.

And nopies, not Wiccan. I'll talk about being out the broom closet later on. And don't no one forget to read this week's latest post "Baby, the Stars Shine Bright"

And thank you everyone for all the postive reception!

Comment by Twyla on July 17, 2010 at 9:10pm: This was awesome!
And I had actually thought you were Wiccan like me until I saw this. Then I went back an reread your first post so I could confirm haha.
And I can relate to the family thing, except i have a *really* close-knit family. I end up being 2 differente people: Family Twyla and Real Twyla. I don't think I'll ever be coming out of the broom closet...
Keep it up! Im really excited about this column!

Comment by Darkness Unlimited* on July 17, 2010 at 7:13pm: Well i'm certainly glad to see you've gotten over your tragic christian up-bringing. You don't still listen to POD, do you?