AFROPUNK

... the other Black experience

“I may be bad but I’m perfectly good at it.” When Rihanna sang in “S&M” about how whips and chains excite her, a shockwave went through the pop world. People excited by getting hurt? Oh no, no, that couldn’t be right. And on top of that a Black woman parading around in latex, rope bondage, oh that’s a definite “no.” Proper Black women do not express their sexuality as deviants, that type of sexual abandon is left for white women and not us.
But I have never been a proper person and I doubt I will ever be. I welcome challenge and rebellion. I’ve been that way since I was little and it’s not likely to slow down.


Words by Mistress A.

It’s a bit of my personality quirk to be rebellious. I experimented with punk and other subcultures and always find a little thrill in shocking people of what they think black women ought to do. Somehow their shock always leads to me not being surprised by their narrow-minds and it always leads to them feeling a bit, well, silly.

And most of BDSM apart from the black latex glove impression of sinister activity is actually quite silly.

Now it’s my job to be improper and be a walking fantasy of fetishistic delight.

Why, I’m a dominatrix of course. That’s Mistress to you of course.

The most common question I receive when people find out what they do (and that’s if I tell them) is why go into this work? Do you have sex with the clients?

First off the bat, professional dominatrixes/mistresses/dominas do not sleep with their clients. Most of what goes down in a scene is a bit of exchange. An exchange that works this way: Pay me and I’ll be the fantasy that you dare not speak aloud.

Now let’s tackle the scandalous question why would a nice girl like me become a woman whose sole delight is inflicting pain onto men?

It’s fun. That is the simplest answer I could give you without delving into a personal life story.

I like what I do.

If I had to give myself an origin story I would say it started in Jr. High when I was aware of a certain potency that women could hold over men. The potency was women in power. Women in power so thrilling, so taboo that men were made uneasy by it and that uneasiness was the allure to them. I wanted to know more.

I had to know more.

I spent a lot of time reading books on sadomasochism, fetishism and deviancy but that was not enough for a bookworm like me. I had to get involved.

One of the initial shocks I had from the BDSM communities was that everything and anything could be ample enough to turn into a full-blown fetish.

Race is one of them. We all know that to fetishize someone’s race is pretty much problematic but in BDSM that gets turned on its head. For better or worse, the desire for some (and I say some) to be punished at the hands of a black woman is what sends them into an uncontrollable frenzy.

Part of me wants to sit down with clients and analyze why clients have this certain predisposition for wanting an “Ebony Domme.” They write in search of a towering, powerful Ebony domme. Usually these are white submissive men. Part of the thrill is the old and potent taboo of interracial mixing.

Unlike our white counterparts, Black Dommes or any Domme of color, her being of “color” is her niche. It’s the business aspect of things. Being a niche is interesting, especially considering that clients come to see you as the projection of their one-dimensional fantasies.

While my job is to deal and trade in fantasy, I don’t take the entire burden. Living life as a black woman has it’s own nuances and complexities. In the dungeon, I think of myself as a domme but I do know, with that creeping suspicion of double consciousness that I am a black domme. My individuality takes a third seat in the car of personalities (somewhat like Alanis Morrissette in that ‘Ironic’ video) and I slip into a persona.

Although, I try to keep the persona of being a Black domme in tightly regulated spaces for my own sanity. No endorsing of archaic stereotypes and indulging in dangerous notions that black sexuality is primitive. No. No. No. When you step in my arena, my domination over a client is not through their projected fantasy but domination over how small that projected fantasy can be.

Once a client mid-way through our interview, upon seeing me in my sky-high heels and impossibly sexiest thigh highs, not listening to a word I uttered (tsk tsk) interrupted to complement me. I accepted the compliment with a smile but then he followed up with:

“I just love black girls.”

Well, thank you supporter, glad to know someone does.

Its time like this, when a sharp wit and well-timed comeback will save you the headache and maybe close the deal.

All I could really do was say “thank you.”

Handling it with grace and a demeanor that said if you fuck with me in anyway, I will rip you to shreds, sends the message loud and clear to these men that you are every bit in charge of the role that you are projecting.

I am a dominant woman in every aspect of my life and although I wish I could be more dominant where it really matters (like politics and minority representation) the work of flogging some chap on his back or caning him until his eyes say “enough” are little trinkets of sadistic glee for me.

Fantasies and hang-ups get amplified between the chambers of a dungeon and if you don’t have a level head, it can really skew your attitude towards the rest of mankind.

I advise that those getting into this type of work to specifically love what they are doing or the days will drag. Playing therapist can be fun, if you approach it with the intention that you aren’t really certified to fill that role legitimately.

Dominatrixes are a bit like espionages, well the good ones at least. And every now and then, aren’t people a little intrigued by the spies among us?

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Tags: BDSM, Black, Confessions, Dominatrix, Race, S&M, a, of

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Comment by mistress eden on August 22, 2012 at 6:45pm
Comment by Seko-niqua on January 13, 2012 at 3:50pm

Love this article , i always wanted to be one and have been inspiring just never the chance to play the role . And its difficult to show this other side when you been deem as a sweet and innocent.

Comment by The Deacon on January 13, 2012 at 2:25pm

Fructose Soda and RockGurl, you guys need to cut it out. The article is about a black dom; inflicting pain on others for so called pleasure. This isn't about some chick with secrets on how to please your partner or partners. There's a difference between heightened sexual experience and being bent. BDSM is no more about sex than an individual that goes out and commit rape is doing it because of sex, it's about control or the need to be controlled. That's the point with my stripper comparison; same with the rape comparison. Sorry if you guys don't get it. We're not talking any deep philosophical things here; just basic common sense to those paying attention to their environment.

I remember years ago an acquaintance of mines told me a story about a female friend of his that made a lot of money tying up white men and leaving them in closets. No sex, no beatings, just tied them up and left them in  closets. So based on what you guys are into, this would be considered sex; or the sexual experience.

You guys want to paint some picture as if we're not into this type of warpness we're somehow limited sexually. People that get into this type of thing are alienated from their humanity if you want to be philosophical.



Comment by Jasmine on January 13, 2012 at 2:23pm

I think part 2 supports what I was saying about being a domme is like burlesque its a performance she is acting in a way.

Comment by Sexual Politics on January 13, 2012 at 1:26pm

Hey guys, we just posted Part 2 of the confessions: http://www.afropunk.com/profiles/blogs/confessions-of-a-black-domin..., about "race play". Check it out and let us know what you think!

Comment by The Deacon on January 6, 2012 at 12:51am

Must I remind everybody we're not discussing sexuality here. None of this has anything to do with sex or sexuality. We're talking about a need to control or a need to be controlled. Rich white man busting balls all hours of the day run off to some den to get in touch with himself by giving power to a dominatrix. I doubt they even have intercourse at these sessions. Just a lot of yes mistress and kicking MF's and have them crawl around on their knees like a dog, god knows what else goes on here. Maybe the dom piss on him and all sort of other things; you may like it, but there aint no way in hell nobody is going to convince me this is anything resembling human relationship. Use all the pretty words you want to use to dress this up. I'm no religious prude from the 11th century that's on some kind of homosexual crusade, far from it.

Comment by The Deacon on January 5, 2012 at 8:59pm

Strippers do what they do because it's a false sense of controlling men through sex; though I'm sure they like the money. Same with Doms; in that regards they are no different than strippers; though I'm sure there are some personality variations. Many haven't sat down and reflected on why they do what they do; I'm not even sure they know. But this topic is too multi-layered to deal with on a discussion board. I'm sorry if you're bored, but a thing is what it is, no matter how we try to spin it and pretty it up.

Comment by Jasmine on January 5, 2012 at 8:07pm

True most "healthy" human relationships aren't about degrading but things are different and skewed by sex in that regard. A couple who fully respect each other might call each other degrading things in the bedroom. It is all about the fantasy. And I think its weird you connect stripping with being a domme. I find it closer to Burlesque. Burlesque women remove their clothes but it is a performance. It is empowering for the performer and the audience. The performer enjoys what they do otherwise they don't do it. Many strippers do what they do for more desperate reasons. Being a domme is not normally an occupation associated with poverty and economic desperation. The money is the main reason why the patron has the power over strippers. Being a domme is more of a performance like Burlesque you need skills and practice to be successful.

I enjoy debates and do not find this attacking at all I'm am just growing a bit bored, no offense, possibly needs a another's perspective.

Comment by The Deacon on January 5, 2012 at 7:45pm

Say what you want, people coming from healthy human relationships aren't into getting degraded. No one that views validity in humans enjoys degrading others. For the record I'm not religious and don't care for religion. I'm just approaching this from a social phenomena perspective and NOT religious or moral. I don't care what others do, and I'm sure some are nice people.

Anyone that's been in enough X-rated bars know what it's all about. It's really a microcosm of the outside world. Just something strange about a woman with her hands on a stripping pole bending over for man to view. But I guess that's okay because she's consenting to dance for money and the patron is consenting to look at women degrading themselves. And trust me, its about women degrading themselves for money because that patron not going to come otherwise. Transfer that to the dom world, it's the same relationship flipped the other way around. Except in the real world, the patron are the ones with real power.

Don't take a debate as a personal attack.

Comment by Miss_FX on January 5, 2012 at 7:41pm

Interesting read. I think that this approach can be applied to most aspects of interacting in mostly-white spaces.


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