confessions of a black dominatrix: feelings & bottom line hurt?

Part of working in the BDSM community professionally is being able to market yourself. Of course, many of our clientele are used to seeing thin, white girls with huge breasts in painted-on latex. But for the black and brown kinksters, being black and brown poses its own individual problems as far as marketing and promotion are concerned. There’s a part of me that will always be the weird girl in the big room. I was weird throughout junior high as well as high school. I was also very smart. As we all know, being very smart and being weird is just not a picnic when you are dealing with adolescent hormonal changes. But being weird has helped me in the work that I do.

Words by Mistress A.

This applies to my work in professional domination. At times I feel like the weird girl in the lunchroom when I have to advertise or market myself. I will say it is a lot easier for white women to market themselves in this world that caters to them as far as beauty standards goes. When people think of Mistresses they don’t think of women who are not white.

Being non-white works against you and for you. On one hand, you are separated from the pack of other dominatrixes. On the other hand, the more unforgiving hand, you are separated from the pack. This “pack” is the pack of whiteness as a commodity. Whiteness as beautiful and more importantly whiteness as the acceptable form of femininity and by far whiteness being seen as the most desirable form.

Truth be told, there is a lot of room in sex work but not necessarily professional BDSM. For starters, affording a Mistress is a luxury. To be able to afford someone to spank you for an hour, or to listen to your deepest and darkest fantasies for an hour is a luxury. Many clients are not too enthusiastic about paying the prices for professional Mistresses if they don’t get “relieved” at the end of their visits. However, if you are seeing a professional, you are seeing a professional. You have come to see someone who is trained at what they do.

But, I’m not a prostitute. I don’t condemn prostitution but that’s not what I do.

With the saturation of the market being as it is, with prostitutes offering “fetish friendly” services many clients don’t see the logic in paying for a professional that will not do those extracurricular activities they are seeking. And yes, it is hurting our business. We have to stay competitive and we have to be sexier.

Yet, if you are in a niche market, how can you be sexier? What can you do?

Times are hard, but my hemline is not changing. I feel the push to pander to a certain audience. A certain audience that wants me to look the way, they feel, a black dominatrix should. They want this caricature of a woman, all neck-rolling and finger-snapping, it’s part of their kink, and they want the extremity. It’s not something you see with the marketing of white Mistresses.

White Mistresses are allowed to have space for individuality; they can come in a variety. This is not true for us; however, our sales-pitch is our skin color. We have to play up the notion that all black women are of superior strength, non-emotional and definitely not possessing the same femininity of our white counterparts. It’s definitely problematic, as this forces black dominatrixes to not explore our creative sides, to push our own boundaries, to do things more determinedly by our own rules.

Despite this political veil over Fetish/BDSM, I still make myself up as the Mistress of my own dreams, desires, and fantasies. That’s my kink.