Decision 08

He offers a relationship. He offers love and security, intensely insane passion and belly cramping laughter. He offers marriage and a white picket fence with a million kids and two dogs.
Then there is the other. He offers friendship and encouragement. He offers to hold my hand while we run together but slow down when I stumble, and he bandages the wounds that my own mind causes. But he also offers love, and he offers me a choice, and a chance, to grow.

So what to do?

A few years ago this choice would be so obvious, and I wouldn't have hesitated to jump at the chance to be the wife/soccer mom that I'd recently developed a hankering for. Now things are different. Now I want to explore the potential I have to be more than some dudes "woman". I want to challenge myself to achieve the goals that I placed on the back burner when I had my daughter. Entering into a marriage now? I'm not just moving my pot of dreams, I'm taking them off the stove and dumping them out. So the question now becomes whether or not I can live with myself for choosing to live so far below my potential.

Not that Marriage-man isn't on my level. No, quite the contrary. We have spent hours and hours on the phone like two high schoolers sneaking around behind our parents backs, squealing and giggling as we toss pop-culture references and empty threats back and forth at each other. He still can decipher what I saying when I get really geeked about something and start talking too fast, and he thinks that my vast Tolkien knowledge is the coolest.thing.EVER! He fills my mailbox with lolcats. And he likes gore. But the only thing he wants for me is...well...him. And while he is super cool, I don't think that's enough to sacrifice my finishing school and rolling into a career of my choice.

But here's is the rub; if we don't have a romantic relationship, we won't have anything. Per his words, he could never go back to just being friends like we were. When he told me that, I was just kind of stunned, but I can't say I was hurt at all. However when Friend-guy told me he would pull back and that our friendship would change, I CRIED. Tears formed and rolled down my cheeks. Just the thought of losing that friendship is devastating. Is that telling, or am I reading too much into my emotions again?

Which part of me should make this decision? My brain? My gut? My heart? Arrgh.

AND now with the emergence of this third super awesome contender...I don't think this choice will be a simple one at all. I suppose I should be grateful. Perhaps I should go all soap opera and choose myself.