epiphany

well i just had this epiphany. from all of what i learned in my history class. and recently listening to rap music on the side has actually reinforced this distinction. the reason that i have such problems with men is because of the foundation that the united states of america was built on. all throughout history, the colonization of european immigrants to america have been and always will be white. and not just white, but its actually an ingrained belief that the white race is superior. and that was passed on to the hispanics because of the mexican-american war. the americans divided the province of texas from the mexicans. the mexicans had abolished slavery and had equality among them including the spanish, indians, and africans that were there. but when america annexed texas in result of the "triumph" they changed it and called the light spanish "spanish-mexican" and the spanish that were mixed with indian "too spanish" thus forever ingraining a separation between any integration of backgrounds. the "too mexican" and the indians were considered savages to the americans, even with previous history of education, social system, alphabet, etc, etc. so by inculcating this not only to the mexicans, but forever saying that if u weren't white, or looked white, then you were nothing. and this i can still see today. because it further went on to say that the european immigrants (they were white) were immediately, or almost immediately granted citizenship the same rights that african americans were denied for centuries. with continued pictures of the african american race as merely unequal simply based on the color of skin. and this changed from economic class to a physical difference and used as the only basis of stature. yet at the convenience of war, african americans were used to fight, in promise for their freedom, and of course only then seen as a man. then continued on that african americans that were free, were not seen as citizens but to be shipped to africa (returned from tangent back to statement about texas), as if they were foreigners the entire time. i've actually lived in texas, san antonio to be exact. and this sentiment is true. throughout the state. its not as apparent in some areas, but one can tell when another views you as unequal, that is quite true. I've lived in different parts of florida and it still remains true. indeed there are varying levels of this distinction, but it is there all the same. the further north you go in florida, the further south you find yourself. miami is like the providence of texas after the mexican-american war. much reprieve is felt in my hometown of northwest broward county. and slightly more so in areas of palm beach county, just north of broward. but objectification is prevalent, and easily tossed aside for another booty.
even abraham lincoln was hypocritical in his views on african americans. he was quoted "i pity the creatures being hunted down." he even contradicted himself by stating how he saw the african american man as his equal to work and receive his own liberties, yet did not believe he should vote or own land. these very same "liberties" the colonies fought for in the first place. i think its pretty sad that all these years i've been misled. and it took coming to california for me to learn about the true history of america. and the south. all that was completely overlooked by their greed for cotton. to use every device imaginable to convince others that african americans were not even human beings, just so that they could continue with slavery. it deeply explains my fever to leave the state of florida and not to attend any schools in the south, nor new england areas, for they were just as bad. most anti-slavery supporters wanted it abolished, but posed a more silent separatist racism. echoing cries fearing an influx of fugitive slaves into the northern territories. most wanted african americans freed, but they did not want them to live near, nor be seen as truly equal. for the most part, not all, just the majority. although i have not been to new england. but i have had interactions with some from the areas. and this information proves valid through my eyes.
even more depressing is the position of black women. we are THE MOST looked down upon. still to this day. it is ever present. (this has led me to understand why I have such a resistance with being seen as an equal to a woman who is white. i have to make this distinction because i have evidence of treatment that does differ but i wont get into into. lets see if i can put my feeling properly into words. to me, it seems as if the black woman is seen as an object, and in this form, only for specific body parts. (were all intellectual beings and u know what i'm talking about.) and when it truly presents itself, my interpretation of it is simply this....as a prostitute. a prostitute is an person, but not to the one who uses her. he sees her as an object to use for his delight and then toss aside. not as a person with feeling, intellect, or soul.
another way to explain it: it seems as though that no matter how much a male of any opposite race, shows interest, he can never see me as an equal. meaning, the level of treatment is limited to color, from past taught to him in jokes and stories from his forefathers, family, etc. he can not, or chooses not to rise above these opinions, and is bound by this belief. but here's the kicker, its not just caucasian men. its men of all races that I have seen, who objectify black women specifically. i've personally felt a huge disregard of my words and positions. if the male chooses to rise above it, it is only temporary, as i have seen done before. when he is left to sit and simmer on the bits and pieces of information i've divulged, it passes away with his stool. until the next feeding. its not an innate nature, its a trained nature. (slight glimmer of hope: --> it can be changed. if the heart is willing. that can be disregarded, if the heart is true. but that is yet to be seen.)
for the most part, we are only seen as objects. this depiction is further enhanced with the gratuitous sexual portrayals in television and videos. by continuing to feed this, we are forever entrapped and disrespected. we were the last to receive rights to vote, as our male counterparts rose further. under the ideology that the male reigns supreme. granted the male is not left vulnerable during the childbearing period, but i digress. i'm not a feminist, but quite frankly, that reign and all superiority is just bull. women have been undermined and belittled, and hence some have fallen into this very same entrapment (and that is women of all races). i now know that i will not find my desired male counterpart in america. i am able to accept that now as i see that this is so heavily ingrained in american society that this underlying sentiment is burped up when one comes to believe that it is dead. it is not dead, it is merely passed on in ways that are to be expressed very subtly in the presence of the opposite race. armed with this knowledge, i have become more lenient to the idea of never marrying, or at the very least, under the pretense of a prenuptial agreement.

In the words of Oprah, "I will make it. If its not.(with the Oprah show).I will still be fine." --interviewed by a corespondent on national television about the launching of the Oprah Winfrey show back in the 80s.