You ask me if I’m happy and what do you get? You get a smile and the response that I am. And
this is true in any turn of the phrase. But if you ask me
if I’m content you might see
that smile drop to, at best, the deep look of soul searching pondering
and, at
worst, a numb, constricting ache that
seems to asphyxiate ones hopes and dreams.

I now believe the mid life crisis is the product of the acceptance of this lack-of-hope feeling into the
mind of
the disheartened. Even if person is instilled
with a dogma to never give in or up, the loss of this hope makes life
lifeless. You then just exist instead of
appreciating the holiness of the opportunity we have been given. A
reality that we can only explain in tangible
constructs made of numbers and equations while at the same time, being
unable
to remove the unexplainable magic that surrounds us or that has been
inexorably
woven into the tapestry of our existence. So
then
the question remaining is have I been disheartened?

No. But I am afraid of it; afraid of losing that curiosity. I don’t want to be that or
feel that. I want to be able to step
back from myself and still feel happy about what I see and the direction
I see
it moving in. I want to retain that
curiosity that they say is childlike because I don’t think it is
childlike at
all. That feeling doesn’t correlate with
age, but with innocence. I think that
type of curiosity is full of heart and hope that has yet to succumb to
the
constriction of life’s temperament. That curiosity has yet to be
subjugated to the
mental recesses in the mounting shadow of the fears of being the people
we are. Pure curiosity!

I am still very curious. I love life and I enjoy it thoroughly. However, I can imagine a
day, and a path of life that could take me to a place where that will be
different. Every day I live without
moving toward my dreams, is a step on that path emotional obedience.
Every wrong step I take is potentially a
step on that path to spiritual death.

The end of a decade. I almost don’t want to welcome the next decade out of the fear of me losing my spark.
At the same time when I look to the future my flame of curiosity
burns
bright through the endless possibilities of being. For now
that flame far outshines the darkness
of doubt that looms in my head. I pray
this always is. Hello 2010. I’ve been
waiting.